Quokkas C.C.

2 for 1 Magazine Deal!

Good day adoring legions, (That goes for your too, Frenchies!)

I am glad to announce that the Quokkas have entered into a lucrative deal that may help fund the Paris match and resulting debauchery. Waygood Publishing, has offered two of it’s highest selling magazine titles at the price of one, with all profits going to the famed Quokkas Cricket Club!

All photographs from the titles have been taken by master daguerreotypographer Jennifer Gilmore from www.gilmoreimages.com.

Order your copies now!

Quokka Ashes 2007 - Brittania Rules

Welcome aboard the Quokka campaign for 2007, a campaign that has started with one match for the result of one win, and one loss.

Meeting at The Skips Chiswick Bordello on an overcast Sunday morning in April, Quokkas old and new blew the cobwebs off their shoulders, shook hands and made their way to the local field. This turned out to be something of a misnomer, with the field actually being more of a paddock, complete with divets.

The toss was made by the Skips father, Derek Bradley, who spun the coin with steady and firm fingers. “Years of practice” he said with a wink to the Rev, before distracting the awed crowd and pocketing said coin.

The Skip apparently won the toss and chose wisely in batting first. The Quokkas opening pair for 2007 of The Mantis and The Rev strode to the wicket full of confidence but soon changed their attitude when the opening ball hit a divet behind the Revs outstretched front leg and bounced back into the stumps.

Five overs of conservative batting and a couple of lucky run-outs followed for the pair, two of which were provided from the dead-eye of Smithers in the deep.

Coming in with the score on minus 8, the next batting pair of PJ and The Bushranger not only steadied the innings, but started to mount some runs in the positive. The Bushranger showing some proper cricket shots (confounding all present) and PJ being active between the wickets.

The Attack and Loughie were the next pair in and continued where the previous two left off, with The Attack showing his intent for the year in particular, smashing the Egg for some massive sixes. PJ and The Bushranger came back in to complete the Australian innings, bringing up a respectable total close to 40.

The English innings began with slightly less fraught than the Australians with the pitch now flattened and docile. The Skip and his newly minted father greeted this with glee, spanking the ball to all corners from the off. Only some fine fielding, including a stumping from the newly-gloved Rev, managed to slow them down. Some would argue the slowing down was due to their knees, but that is another matter for another time.

The English innings continued on in a similar veign, with Smithers and the Hairdresser in particular getting involved in swatting everything pitched a little short into the wilderness.

In all, the English went on to more than double the Australian score, but more importantly The Quokkas started their season in a good spirit that is sure to carry them through.

A big thanks going out to Mr D Bradley for his help and advice, all who turned out (particularly Ivan and Dazzler as late Aussie entries) and in particular Mr and Mrs O’Donnel for their hospitality.

Petition-a-thonFEST 2007!

An open letter to the citizens of Great Britain and it’s forgotten colonies

Gentlemen and Quokkettes,

Let me lend you my ear. That way, what ever I say will be heard correctly*.

Your Reverend, DA Nichols, author and auteur, has nobly taken it upon himself to initiate some municipal embellishmentism. He wants a salt beef bagel shop on every corner, all Spar convenience stores to be renamed Club-X and an improvement of cricket facilities in the East End of London. Regrettably it is only the last option that has recieved funding from Waygood Manor. Hitherfurther, The Reverend’s exemplary skills as blacksmith and landscape gardener, have recently been misplaced (lost in a card game no doubt). What this means, you fools, is that the pitches and nets are not going to build themselves.

And so, and thus, I am calling upon you, citizens of the InTerNet, to ratify a petition that has been put to the British Parliament, and specifically, Number Ten Downing street. It can be located and signed in the foyer at Number Ten, and also webularly at:

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/UrbanCricketNow/

I encourage you to enthuse others to participate in this important motion. If effective, this will mean better facilities for the Quokkas and hopefully provide a some grass roots talent for England’s next Ashes campaign.

I thank you for your time, as I understand it is important to you, whatever pathetic life you may lead.

Yours in HUZZAH!

Lord Waygood, PhD, RaCV, HtML.

*please ensure all R’s are rolled for dramatic effect.

Quokkas 2007 begins; Skip says, “You cant polish a turd”

It may well be March but that means little for the Quokkas squad, so keen to get into the 2007 season that they have already started the nets.

Arriving at Lords at midday on a Sunday was an achievement in itself for most in attendance, but they managed to go on from there; donning their whites and practising for well over an hour.

While The Rev was limited to batting due to his recent fight with gravity, the rest of the squad showed some excellent early form.

The Attack (despite shoulder injury tremors) was as quick as ever, Smithers was hitting the line at pace, The Mantis looked nippy at the crease & managed to turn a few (after some more pre-season advice from the Rev - remember what it led to last year!), The Skip hustled and heckled, and The Egg showed glimpses of his new ‘mystery ball’ for the year.

More excitingly was the work with the ball being displayed by PJ, who may need to be renamed ‘Glenn Miller’ for all the swing he was getting.

Exciting times lie ahead.

Quokkas Website Launched!

Well…of course…you’re looking at it aren’t you?

Huzzah!

Quokkas run, season, come to an end

In a week that saw a multitude of sporting upsets and controversies in the FIFA (who?) World Cup, the biggest shocks of all were once again reserved for The Quokkas.

Not wanting to change the plot too much, their final game of the scheduled season once again came down to the final over, although there would be no-one to answer the call of heroism or take the charges.

The day had started well for most of The Quokkas that had survived the tour night out without being bull-whipped, arrested or consuming their body-weight in beer, leaving the rest to hold their heads and wonder.

The positives soon started though, with The Quokkas winning the race to have eleven on the ground, giving them the extra time to ‘gel’ and the ability to send the opposition in while the rest of their team arrived (take note; Salix CC).

More positives soon came with The Quokkas answer to Mathew Hoggard, Thug P, taking the first three wickets of the game for a combined total of 35 runs. He was, once again, ably support by Dac ‘The Attack’ Nguyen who unleashed some frightening pace that was combined with such accurate line and length that it had NASA researchers nodding their approval.

Some unusually tight work in the field kept the pressure on Wantage CC, particularly from Iain ‘The Egg’ Edwards, whose hands have now been classified as a national treasure.

Another clever change in the bowling from The Skip brought in Gav ‘The Hairdresser’ Slater who took three quick wickets to leave Wantage struggling at 7-70 after 20 overs and with only 10 more overs to face.

The introduction of ‘The Tweak’ though, changed everything as he dropped a dolly of a ‘caught and bowled’ chance that saw the Wantage batsmen breathe life into the scoreboard. This was best evidenced by The Tweaks own record of 15 runs in an over being threatened in just 3 balls that went for 14 runs.

The remaining bowlers had few questions that challenged the batsman, with the last 4 wickets putting on 97 runs to leave the Quokkas with another challenge.

The Quokkas response started well, despite Wantage unleashing two of the fastest bowlers that had been seen by Quokka eyes this season.

The Skip and The Mantis saw off the opening pair, bravely matching them although struggling to keep the run rate up. The Mantis’ premature dismissal brought a shock through The Quokkas on the sideline, who started questioning their own mortality for the first time this season.

Another quick wicket saw The Skip join The Mantis in the rooms, although he didnt seem so downcast once the offer of Parma ham and Port arrived.

Not giving up all hope, The Hairdresser looked deep inside his soul for inspiration and heard the voice of The Mantis of Christmas past say; “Just keep going fella”. Taking a lone hand, Gav saw a multitude of batting partners arrive and depart, although the notable exceptions of the Thug and The Skaff did keep the scoreman in employment.

The innings came down to requiring 20 runs off the last eight runs, but it wasnt to be with The Truth recording a Duck of the golden variety (undoing some flash work behind the stumps), The Tweak topping off an all-round appalling day by running out Gav, The Egg tonking himself out after a nice 4 and The Caveman putting in an appearance with his new helmet for the last ball of the innings.

Still, a great game was again recorded in The Quokkas annuals, and the rematch next year should be a doozy to compete with the 1989 VFL Grand Final.

The day was capped off with The Mantis taking home the 2006 Best and Fairest Award, finishing the season with an average of 73 after hitting 220 runs. Smithers was the pick of the bowlers for the year claiming 5 wickets in 3 matches at an average of 11.2.

I would go into further detail about various statistics, but the scorebook wasnt too well maintained for the last game so they are a little out of whack.

Regardless, a great year for The Quokkas and a big thanks must go to all The Quokkas and The Quokettes for the year.

Bring on 2007!

Quokkas defy God, Karma, Voodoo; win

In what can only be described as the most exciting win of an electrifying season, The Quokkas continued on their winning ways yesterday, snatching victory from the jaws of defeat in a game that had more variety than a bag of licorice all-sorts.

The day started with grim warning signs, black crows and cats being spotted on street corners and Transport for London conspiring to shut down any means of getting to the ground.

Regardless, the Skipper agreed to begin the game with only eight available players, allowing Salix CC to put on fourty quick runs off six overs.

The introduction of three players soon stopped the rot though, as the run rate dived and the Quokka machine started to roll. The pendulum swing was complete as the Skipper soon grabbed two quick wickets.

Following on from last weeks lessons, he began the bowling rotations which ended up bringing good wickets to The Skaff, The Egg, Smithers and The Tweak.

The greatest bowling change, though, came from the introduction of The Caveman who has thusfar been masquerading as an opening batsman. The folly of this move was soon shown as he took three quick wickets, including Salix’s best batsmen. His inswinging yorker that left the stumps all over the place was best described as having magnetic qualities.

Redemption seemed to be the theme of the Quokkas effort in the field, as Smithers also scored an electric run-out after dropping the only missed catch of the innings.

Going into the break, The Quokkas were feeling optimistic despite needing to better our best score to hit the 175 required to win.

The hopes for the innings soon deteriorated though, as Salix introduced the two fastest bowlers we have seen this season. It only got worse as The Caveman tried to take one bowler to ‘the well’ by using the pull shot, resulting in the ball careering into his face and sending him to the ground.

Play was stopped for sometime before The Caveman was on his feet again, resulting in all The Quokkas being more than a little unnerved - apart from The Caveman who laughed off his quickly expanding skull.

Responding to Mrs Mantis’ demands to wear a helmet, the Mantis waved an arm and insisted; “Next time they send one at my head, I’ll send it back at theirs!”. And thus, one of the great innings of our time began.

The Skaff joined The Mantis at the crease and after nearly being run-out for the second week in a row, settled in to see off the new bowlers. The Mantis was looking particularly daring, expanding on the three shots in his famous book of scoring.

The Skaffs initial good work was undone though, as he departed for 12 and brought The Skip to the crease. The Skip was obviously keen to get moving and he took little time in scoring, punishing the spinners in particular.

Again though, the early good work was soon undone and he was back in the pavillion with The Skaff, bringing the new-boy; Gav, to the crease.

A successful partnership ensued, with Gav eventually being snared by the earlier spinner who had been taken for 14 off one over. All hope was not lost though, as The Knock stepped out for his first game of the season, looking every bit the man of steel. It seemed that tin was the more appropriate metal though, as he was out first ball.

The Truth was next up, moving down from his spot at no. 3, although faring no better in also going out first ball and giving the previously-expensive spinner a hat-trick.

The scoreboard was now looking extremely shaky at 100 for 6 and not a lot in the batting stakes remaining. Smithers glided up to the crease, fresh from taking The Caveman to hospital but wasnt able to trouble the scorers, returning to the pavillion with a donut and sending The Egg out to attempt a similar cameo to the week before.

It wasnt to be though, as he was also soon back in the pavillion without getting off the mark.
It should be remembered that while this was going on, The Mantis was still taking runs off the other end and had long surpassed his half-century.

The introduction of Thug P to the crease was like the wind of change though, as he started in his inimitable fashion to hit out against anything put in front of him.

Victory seemed to be closing in when the Thug was controversially given out LBW with 14 needed for victory, bringing The Tweak limping to the crease for the first time this season.
After some initial troubles holding the bat, hitting the ball and running between wickets, The Tweak was able to relax enough to watch The Mantis hit the winning runs with a big 6 that saw him finish on 99 not out.

For the second week in a row euphoria broke out and heads shook as The Quokkas finished with an exciting win. It was mentioned earlier in the day that The Mantis resembles Steve Waugh in that he looks shaky but is actually a punisher of bowling. I rang Steve this morning and put this to him, to which he responded; “I had a career average of 50, The Mantis is on 100 - the figures don’t lie”.

And so, the votes for the Paul Turnock player of the year;

5 - The Mantis, 99 not out - was there from the beginning to end
4 - The Caveman, 3 wickets and a visit to hospital
3 - The Skip, break-through wickets and handy hitting
2 - Gav, great introduction
1 - The Tweak, suspect holding up an end

The Iain Edwards most courageous player award goes to The Caveman for reasons already mentioned.

The votes leaderboard therefore goes;
10 – The Mantis
10 – The Skip
7 – The Attack
5 – Smithers
4 - Caveman
2 – Nige
2 – The Truth
2 - Gav
1 - The Skaff
1 – The Egg
1 – The Tweak
Next week, Wantage CC and the final match of the season - come on you Quokkas 5-0!

Quokkas go 3 and 0!

The Quokka pty ltd. consortium rolls on.

After hearing the news of the Mantis’ century the week before, I received word from the London Scottish camp that they wouldn’t be putting a team out. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

This did give the Quokkas some time to regroup though, refreshing themselves in the only way they know. Highlights include The Cowboy drinking all the bitter in London before trying to impress the ladies with his leg stretches.

The next game up was against Tusmore CC, whose stately ground and genteel hospitality were a throwback to more civilized times. Not being of those times, The Quokkas were all somewhat shocked when they arrived at the Tusmore Manor, wondering if:

a) They had got the directions right; and

b) Whether the windows of the manor were secure.

Being sent in to bat first, the Skip showed scant regard for his hosts and gave The Caveman and The Mantis the call to arms. Unfortunately though, Thug P showed equally scant regard for reputation and gave The Mantis out LBW for nought. You could hear the children weeping.

Sam ‘The Truth’ Dunstan came out at three for some electricity but found himself shorted out by a yorker after some initial sparks. The Caveman joined him soon thereafter in the pavilion after some characteristic dour batting, leaving the Quokkas in some trouble with three wickets down for not thirty runs.

Once again though, the Skip produced a steadying innings, combining with Nige for a fifty-three run partnership on a strip that could only be described as ‘batsman hazardous’.

The loss of Nige, unluckily bowled by an off-spinner that could have turned voters, saw the start a mini-collapse with the Skip running out the Skaff for naught and Smithers also being baffled by some great spin.

As soon as the rut started though, it was ended with the introduction of Dac ‘The Attack’ Nguyen, who flayed twenty-six runs in quick time to help bolster the score. Dac was ably assisted by Thug P who pinch-hit a quick thirteen and Iain ‘The Egg’ Edwards, holding up the other end with a steady six.

A final score of one hundred and forty looked like it could be sufficient and the Quokkas went for there tea wearing a glow that had more to do with optimism than the afternoon sun.

The defence of the innings started well, with the Thug and Dac restricting the flow of runs and Thug even snaring one of the openers with a clever in-swinger.

The Skip then unleashed is tactical genius and started rotating the bowlers, giving almost all the Quokkas a trundle with devastating effect. Seven bowlers took wickets, including notable break-throughs from The Egg (with his ’steady and straight’ ball) and The Mantis who had revenge on his mind from the duck earlier.

The Truth had been steady behind the stumps all day, notably psyching out one young batsman with the introduction of The Tweak to the wicket, so surprised everyone when he dropped a sky ball off the Mantis. Thankfully, the Mantis was still angry and managed to sneak one through for a steady caught-behind.

Despite the steady loss of wickets and low run-rate, the Quokkas found themselves defending eleven runs with eleven balls to spare. Again, the Skips wisdom prevailed as he bowled himself and Smithers (match figures 9-3-22-4) at the death, taking the crucial wickets (and in the last instance, catch) to see out the victory.

The contrast between the Quokkas even-performance and the opulent grandeur of the grounds could not have been greater, and it made victory all the sweeter.

The votes:

5 - Smithers, for a game-winning bowling performance;

4 - The Attack, changing the match with aggressive batting and steady fast-bowling;

3 - The Skip, another steadying innings, inspired bowling changes and good in the field;

2 - Nige, good in the middle; and

1 - The Egg, one wicket down, seven to go…

The Iain Edwards bravery award going to Thug P for giving The Mantis out LBW.

The cumulative total for the Votes is:

7 - The Skip

7 - The Attack

5 - The Mantis

5 - Smithers

2 - Nige

2 - The Truth

1 - The Skaff

1 - The Egg

Next up, Salix CC…

Quokkas Win!

For the thousands of you that have been following The Quokkas C.C in its many incantations over the years, you will have been left as speechless and euphoric as I was on the afternoon of May 14 when they won their first outdoor match by a comprehensive six wickets.

Following up on the inter-club match (The Quokka ‘Ashes’ - which the Australians duly won) the week before, the lads took the mixed feelings of having won and lost to beat a real Cricket Club with a decent display of park Cricket.

The day started slowly, largely due to the opposition team being delayed by the now annual Chelsea Premiership Cup/Public Drunkenness display.

Once the game did get underway though, the signs were positive from the start for the Quokkas. The opening bowling combination of Paul ‘Thug P’ Viljoen and Dac ‘Dac’ Nguyen provided a mix of metronomic line and length with sheer aggression and pace.

Dac provided the first breakthrough, following up a particularly vicious bouncer with a yorker that had the batsman gladly returning to the pavilion. In absence of a pavilion, the batsman returned to the picnic blanket instead.

The incoming batsman was quick to make his presence felt at the crease, mostly because Sam ‘The Truth’ Dunstan (our trusted glove man and MC) couldn’t see past his girth.

The new batting partnership saw off the opening pair but struggled to capitalise on the first change combination of Nick ‘The Professor’ Metcalf and Robin ‘Skip’ Bradley, prodding about cautiously and showing some reluctance to change ends unless it was really necessary or pastries were on offer.

Some gibes from the good Rev D A ‘Tweak’ Nichols were not well received and resulted in one of The Professors ‘deceptively straight’ balls being smashed at The Tweaks head while he was fielding at silly mid-on. Only cat-like reflexes managed to save his Adonis like features, but obviously ruffled his normally iron will as he went for 32 runs off the next 3 overs.

Thankfully, Richard ‘Skaff’ Williams was on hand at the other end and managed to plunder their line-up with a couple of clever wickets and run-outs. Skip realised what a drain The Tweak was being and quickly replaced him with Smithers, who steadied the ship nicely.

The innings was closed with Geoff ‘The Mantis’ Kendrick and John ‘Caveman’ Costin warming their arms up ahead of matching the challenge of bettering 177 runs off 35 overs.

Not having made over 120 in a match before, or batting for more than 20 overs, this was quite a challenge for The Quokkas. Or so they thought.

The Mantis and The Caveman strode out like men with a purpose. The Caveman, more used to opening the bowling than the batting was getting set for a big innings of blocking out, while The Mantis was remembering the immortal words that the good Rev passed to him while on his way to another milestone (240 pounds worth of cocktails in 3 hours): “You only have three shots, so leave anything above the waist. Two more thanks waiter.”

All this intent was soon forgotten though, as The Caveman’s eyes uncharacteristically lit up at a loose piece of meat that he swung his club at. The result was a spooning catch to point and a return to the picnic rug to share the scorers duty with The Rev who was still recounting the story of his ‘nearly catch’.

Rob ‘Monty Burns’ was the next man in, although suffered a similar fate to The Caveman, heading back for a duck of the particularly golden variety. With a score line of 2/4 (thanks to a straight drive from The Mantis) The Quokkas were in trouble, no doubt.

All that changed with the arrival of the Skip at the crease, as he and The Mantis took the challenge back to the opposition. The Mantis discarded all advice that The Rev dispersed to him earlier (Mrs. Mantis will understand) as he started sweeping like a dustman, bringing up 15 runs in one over. This was a particular relief to The Rev, as he no longer had the most expensive over of the match.

The Mantis reached his half-century in fine style, with the crowd all standing to do ‘The Mantis’ pose and cheer. He obviously started tiring soon afterwards (again, Mrs. Mantis will understand) and the staunch Skip had a few words to help steady him.

Unfortunately these had no effect (is anyone else noticing a trend in the attention that The Mantis pays to advice?) as the next ball hit the stumps. Luckily for The Mantis, the bails stayed on (Superglue, $2.99 at your local hardware store - bowlers face, priceless) and he continued on his merry-sweeping way.

The crowd sat fixated on this partnership, which went on to post 163, largely as there was very little else to look at. Regardless, even passers-by stopped to marvel at The Mantis and his swashbuckling ways, although this is understandable; this being an age that is crying out for a hero.

And cometh the hour, cometh The Mantis, bringing up the maiden Quokka century in style and sending the crowd into scenes of wild Mantis-idolizing. Mark my words, a lot of babies were named ‘Geoff’ on the 15th of May.

The partnership was finally broken with The Mantis on 103, who was shortly joined by the Skip who had played a no-less important role in securing the victory. The Skaff and Dac were left to finish off proceedings, Dac surprising all by not trying to hit the required runs off 2 balls and playing defensive shots, leaving The Skaff to straight drive The Quokkas to victory.

An excellent effort by all concerned, particularly the wives and girlfriends who not only made excellent teas and cakes, but proved that The Quokkas do have sex appeal.

Finally, the votes for the Paul Turnock best player award:

5 - The Mantis

4 - The Skip

3 - Dac

2 - The Truth (awesome work behind the sticks in his first game)

1 - The Skaff

Apologies to Thug P and Smithers

And the Ian Edwards Bravery Award for the match goes to The Rev, for the cat-like stop. For details of the stop, just ask The Rev.