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  • Quokkas CC 182-8 (Faggie 67 n/o, The Yak 43) beat Coldharbour CC 178-6 (Skip 3-35, Smoothie 2-7)

    What could be better than Sunday lunch before a game of cricket at Coldharbour? A Sunday lunch before a game of cricket at Coldharbour without Herc. A beautiful summers day dinning on roast lamb at the Plough was only partially spoiled by Radio painting a picture of himself taking on burglars bollock naked armed only with a walking stick and small penknife. Herc completed the job, with his usual non-stop high frequency gibberish. Perhaps they should rename the Mosquito alarm (a machine used to deter loitering by emitting sound at high frequency) to a Herc alarm? Herc, you know you have found someone special when you can shut the fuck up for a minute, but just as Vincent Vegas said, `I guess we are not quite there yet’. We love you really Herc [Ed: I don’t] and besides, only the weather can ever ruin a day out to Coldharbour. 

    Can anyone else hear that buzzing?

    Having said that, the highways agency did its best, with roadworks sending Quokkas on a five mile wild goose chase. We did lose Pablo Ali, but that was something about a damaging a finger playing tennis with Herc’s mum I think. We still managed to put out a full side, thanks to Driver filling in at last minute. After a busy 18 months, Satan took the week off, which meant my fantasy league bowling attack was now decimated. 

    My loss was Shut up Herc’s gain, as he grabbed a place in the side. Such is the clamour to play for the Quokkas right now, we seem to have sent Todd to drink when he failed to make the eleven. Or was it the other way round? Whatever, it was great to welcome The Mosquito back, his phobia of uncomfortable silences has been badly missed. By the way, for Drivers effort, he got a golden and a badly bruised hand, after dropping a simple catch off my bowling. Thanks for coming. I say simple, but really it was nigh on impossible, but anything remotely in the vicinity of a fielder is counted as a drop and minus five fantasy points these days. 

    OK, what you really don’t need after failing to trouble the scorer when batting or overworking him when bowling, is me pointing it out in a Quokkas match report. What you need and what Todd wants to read about here are two different things though. So, a reminder that Driver got a duck, Herc also got a duck and went for ten from his solitary over, the Prof scored two and saw 36 taken from his three over spell and Radio went for 20 from his over. Meh, that’s pretty respectable compared to the 53 scored from two overs I conceded here back in 2016. 

    Mind you slow bowling at Coldharbour is a challenging business, which is why pacemen like Fruit Smoothie were the order of the day. He was his usual unplayable self, going for just one run an over and with Skip rolling back the ever increasing years, between them, they managed to pull our opponents back after a healthy start, especially when Skip got the opener caught behind. The odd full toss from Quokka’s bowlers did make its way deep into the bracken, but if I can score a six on this ground, anyone can. All in all, we bowled pretty damn well.

    In the field, Radio John showed every one of his 93 years, the Professor made an art out of catch avoidance and there was some nice falling over from Skip and Seagull. Skip actually had three dropped in one over. The Professor got his fingertips destroyed by a powerful straight drive, Seagull failed to swoop a low diving catch and Faggie dropped a dolly at slip, albeit making up for it later with a brilliant one handed grab in the covers. On another day Skip could have got six wickets, but that would have had to be a day when the Quokkas were supplemented by fielders that could catch.  

    Radio, what's new?

    While we are talking of dropped catches, Arunav dropped a dolly, again off my bowling, moments after I had described him as a proper cricketer. He’s a proper Quokkas, that’s for sure. Re-reading this text, it makes it appear that I could have had several wickets, and that’s true, but in reality I was as shit as Herc, well almost. 

    At the close of their innings, yeah I forgot to mention that Skip had won the toss and put them in, Coldharbour had scored 178. “Gettable”. 

    Over tea, we discussed Drivers relocation to Sunderland, Quokkas crack habits and various island tour destinations including Isle of Man, Isle of Wight and Isle of Skye. For Skip, the most important isle appeared to be at Sainsburys, with the woopsie isle raided of several black forest cheesecakes. Lovely. 

    The afternoon started badly for the Yak, discovering he was missing his Yorkshire pudding from the pre-match roast. A wicket, two catches and a tremendous batting performance improved the mood, but when Faggie successfully put Plan TTY onto action, it was like the day had gone full circle. I’m not sure what’s worse, missing a Yorkshire pudd or missing out on a half century when called to make a suicidal run. I’m still smarting that my Yorkshire was half the size of everyone else’s, so maybe the former.

    With Faggie hanging the the Yak hung out to dry, he had little choice but to redeem himself by playing a masterful innings against some bloody good seam and swing bowling. Once again he demonstrated some nice cut shots, but it was the excellent foot movement that turned good length balls into half volleys that really caught the eye. Conan and Radio provided good support, and a Seagull six off the penultimate over set it up nicely for Faggie to get the winning runs.

    Apart from Radio’s magnificent six earlier in the innings, the highlight of the day for me was the return to form of the Bow Tie Killer. A spotless display behind the stumps was followed by some cultured back foot batting, including his famed pull shot. Unfortunately his failure to find the world’s smallest middle on the `baby bat’ was his undoing, just as he started to look comfortable. We look forward to seeing more Conan Smashes as the season progresses.

    Conan Smash

    After the game we returned to the Plough for a beer to celebrate the win and have further discussions about the Welsh brexit vote, car maintenance and tugboat captains. A day out with the Quokkas has something for everyone. 

    Hope the damaged finger isn’t too bad Ali. See you all up norf next week.

    Seagull

    P.S. Shut up Mosquito

    Posted by iain @ 2:25 pm

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