• Quokkas CC 182-8 (Faggie 67 n/o, The Yak 43) beat Coldharbour CC 178-6 (Skip 3-35, Smoothie 2-7)

    What could be better than Sunday lunch before a game of cricket at Coldharbour? A Sunday lunch before a game of cricket at Coldharbour without Herc. A beautiful summers day dinning on roast lamb at the Plough was only partially spoiled by Radio painting a picture of himself taking on burglars bollock naked armed only with a walking stick and small penknife. Herc completed the job, with his usual non-stop high frequency gibberish. Perhaps they should rename the Mosquito alarm (a machine used to deter loitering by emitting sound at high frequency) to a Herc alarm? Herc, you know you have found someone special when you can shut the fuck up for a minute, but just as Vincent Vegas said, `I guess we are not quite there yet’. We love you really Herc [Ed: I don’t] and besides, only the weather can ever ruin a day out to Coldharbour. 

    Can anyone else hear that buzzing?

    Having said that, the highways agency did its best, with roadworks sending Quokkas on a five mile wild goose chase. We did lose Pablo Ali, but that was something about a damaging a finger playing tennis with Herc’s mum I think. We still managed to put out a full side, thanks to Driver filling in at last minute. After a busy 18 months, Satan took the week off, which meant my fantasy league bowling attack was now decimated. 

    My loss was Shut up Herc’s gain, as he grabbed a place in the side. Such is the clamour to play for the Quokkas right now, we seem to have sent Todd to drink when he failed to make the eleven. Or was it the other way round? Whatever, it was great to welcome The Mosquito back, his phobia of uncomfortable silences has been badly missed. By the way, for Drivers effort, he got a golden and a badly bruised hand, after dropping a simple catch off my bowling. Thanks for coming. I say simple, but really it was nigh on impossible, but anything remotely in the vicinity of a fielder is counted as a drop and minus five fantasy points these days. 

    OK, what you really don’t need after failing to trouble the scorer when batting or overworking him when bowling, is me pointing it out in a Quokkas match report. What you need and what Todd wants to read about here are two different things though. So, a reminder that Driver got a duck, Herc also got a duck and went for ten from his solitary over, the Prof scored two and saw 36 taken from his three over spell and Radio went for 20 from his over. Meh, that’s pretty respectable compared to the 53 scored from two overs I conceded here back in 2016. 

    Mind you slow bowling at Coldharbour is a challenging business, which is why pacemen like Fruit Smoothie were the order of the day. He was his usual unplayable self, going for just one run an over and with Skip rolling back the ever increasing years, between them, they managed to pull our opponents back after a healthy start, especially when Skip got the opener caught behind. The odd full toss from Quokka’s bowlers did make its way deep into the bracken, but if I can score a six on this ground, anyone can. All in all, we bowled pretty damn well.

    In the field, Radio John showed every one of his 93 years, the Professor made an art out of catch avoidance and there was some nice falling over from Skip and Seagull. Skip actually had three dropped in one over. The Professor got his fingertips destroyed by a powerful straight drive, Seagull failed to swoop a low diving catch and Faggie dropped a dolly at slip, albeit making up for it later with a brilliant one handed grab in the covers. On another day Skip could have got six wickets, but that would have had to be a day when the Quokkas were supplemented by fielders that could catch.  

    Radio, what's new?

    While we are talking of dropped catches, Arunav dropped a dolly, again off my bowling, moments after I had described him as a proper cricketer. He’s a proper Quokkas, that’s for sure. Re-reading this text, it makes it appear that I could have had several wickets, and that’s true, but in reality I was as shit as Herc, well almost. 

    At the close of their innings, yeah I forgot to mention that Skip had won the toss and put them in, Coldharbour had scored 178. “Gettable”. 

    Over tea, we discussed Drivers relocation to Sunderland, Quokkas crack habits and various island tour destinations including Isle of Man, Isle of Wight and Isle of Skye. For Skip, the most important isle appeared to be at Sainsburys, with the woopsie isle raided of several black forest cheesecakes. Lovely. 

    The afternoon started badly for the Yak, discovering he was missing his Yorkshire pudding from the pre-match roast. A wicket, two catches and a tremendous batting performance improved the mood, but when Faggie successfully put Plan TTY onto action, it was like the day had gone full circle. I’m not sure what’s worse, missing a Yorkshire pudd or missing out on a half century when called to make a suicidal run. I’m still smarting that my Yorkshire was half the size of everyone else’s, so maybe the former.

    With Faggie hanging the the Yak hung out to dry, he had little choice but to redeem himself by playing a masterful innings against some bloody good seam and swing bowling. Once again he demonstrated some nice cut shots, but it was the excellent foot movement that turned good length balls into half volleys that really caught the eye. Conan and Radio provided good support, and a Seagull six off the penultimate over set it up nicely for Faggie to get the winning runs.

    Apart from Radio’s magnificent six earlier in the innings, the highlight of the day for me was the return to form of the Bow Tie Killer. A spotless display behind the stumps was followed by some cultured back foot batting, including his famed pull shot. Unfortunately his failure to find the world’s smallest middle on the `baby bat’ was his undoing, just as he started to look comfortable. We look forward to seeing more Conan Smashes as the season progresses.

    Conan Smash

    After the game we returned to the Plough for a beer to celebrate the win and have further discussions about the Welsh brexit vote, car maintenance and tugboat captains. A day out with the Quokkas has something for everyone. 

    Hope the damaged finger isn’t too bad Ali. See you all up norf next week.


    P.S. Shut up Mosquito

  • Visit Romania, the best ground in Eastern Europe. Also has the best bats….

  • Match Preview: Quokkas v The Rose Hotel

    Match Facts:

    March 14, 2021

    Brunswick Street Oval



    1pm Start

    The Big Picture:

    It is with heavy hearts that we bid farewell to season 2020/21, a season which meant so much to so few.  After the 15 (?) weeks of lockdown, the possibility of being on an oval with 10 of your mates trying to knock over 2 other “cricketers” seemed quite the pipe dream.

    Incidentally, if you are dreaming of pipes, you could be a plumber.

    Which reminds me, why should you never buy drugs off a plumber?

    You never want the plumbers crack.

    Things are going as seamlessly as ever.

    Back on track though, it has been therapeutic in a way that I didn’t realise to get back on the park this season, so many thanks to Ed, Foz and all the team at the YPCA for all their hard work in making it happen.

    Many thanks also to the good people at Nerrena CC for hosting us (again), the offer for us to host you is absolutely alive and well.  Maybe a few Covid symptoms, but never mind.

    Final thanks goes out to everyone who has turned out for us this season, it wouldn’t be possible without you giving up your precious Sunday afternoons to spend time with a plethora of fearsome athletes.

    This weeks game is the last for this season, and while previous Autumns have been positively scorching, this year has been as cool as the mood in lockdown, giving us hope that Sundays game will happen without any guarantee.

    That being said, its been a great season, if not on the field.  The Big Dog played his 100th, Local played his 50th, and this game will be Jays 50th for the club. But more stats later.

    Form Guide:

    Well, it hasn’t been great of late.  We were fairly well drubbed by the Terminus in the last game and pipped by Nerrena before that.  That being said, there have been some great efforts put in (though maybe not in the catching department) and the conviviality of the team is as high as the number of useless cricket training objects J Rod has collected.

    In the Spotlight:

    Yup, this guy

    J Rod is having what can only be described as a golden summer. 120 runs with the bat at 24 and 62% of his runs coming from boundaries, with an average of 8.18 runs per over. Moreso than that has been his bowling this season, taking 5 wickets (oh yes, he’s near the top of the wicket-takers and run-makers) at 20 and going at only 7.14 an over, he’s also taken ONE CATCH this season!

    Stats and Trivia:

    I was disappointed that in all the hype around The Big Dogs 100th that I missed Locals 50th.  I can comfort myself that he still owes me for the bet around whether Steve Smith will ever Captain Australia’s Mens Test side again.

    In the words of Heath Ledger, here we go:

    • As mentioned above, this will be Locals 51st game and Jays 50th for the club, many thanks to you both, you tireless servants
    • Jay has played in 32 YPCA matches and batted 30 times for 591 runs @ 32.83 (not bad) and a high score of 38*.  He’s also taken 31 wickets (5th highest overall) at 16, giving away 6.24 runs per over.  You’ve got to bowl a bit worse to get wickets at this level, champ.  He’s also the leading catcher for this season with 6. Pity we don’t have an award for that.
    • Local has played 35 YPCA games with 34 Innings, scoring 526 runs at 18.79 with an incredible high score of 46.  When he goes, he goes big.  He’s also taken 21 wickets at 24, going at 6.81 an over if you don’t mind. 
    • Yours truly is on 396 YPCA runs and is hoping to join the 400-club with the likes of Snipper.  Sure, 20 less innings, but so what?
    • Dutchy is on 980 runs conceded in the YPCA, does he have it in him to join the stratospheric region that is the 1,000 club?  I’ll give him every chance to do so.
  • Well they say it’s not over until the fat lady sings, in our case it was the slightly stoned off spinning opposition captain final over slow slings.

    The Curtin got off to a flyer, 0/117 at drinks, but in the second half Dutchy’s Doosras and Peter’s Pingers pulled them back and we held them to 7/187 on a quick outfield at Fairlea West.

    The Quokkas got off to a good start with Tuesday & Alex retiring, Local switch hitting and Snipper hitting his first ball for 10months for an 88m six, 2/108 at drinks, easy from here…..

    Dutchy, Jrod, Slick and Peter got us close with 3 runs required off the last over. It was drinks at the Curtin (refer to the opening line).

    Quokkas 9/186 v Curtin 7/187

  • From Captain Radar…

    As with every year, expectations were high, and tactical planning was abundant. I always look forward to this day, generally only to be pretty disappointed with my own performance. With the exception of last year. Hence why I have the privilege of writing this report. 

    The quokkas drew a strong royston team in the first round. And surprise – that’s as far as it went. Confirming my theory that we are one of the better bowling teams going around, we did really well to keep the royston to around 120 from memory? Everyone bowled great, with a. special mention to Jack who took 2 maybe 3 (?) wickets near the end of the innings.

    Everyone really put in on the field, and I think we even held catches.
    Batting wise – it was just a bridge too far. After a particularly slow start from me, we were just in too deep a hole for the rest of the order to climb out of. Snipper made a 20 I think and maybe one more person got there (?) but we really never got too close to looking in the game.

    Having said that – I’d like to thank everyone for their efforts on the day. We tried really hard, and played with great spirit. My job was really easy and it was actually a really good day. Pretty hard coming up against these teams with batting orders packed to the brim with big hitters. The 10 over game is just so suited to them. Reckon we give anyone a fair shake over 25 overs. So no need to hang our heads about it. 
    Looking forward to this year’s event if it happens!

    Not from the BDNO, just a photo of the team

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  • The archives have been found and we’ve been able to dig out some old, previously un-posted, match reports from Captain Radar:

    First game back for the season and as has become tradition I was entrusted with captaining the team. From memory as I wrote this today (over 12 months later), it was perhaps one of the more gloomy days we’ve played cricket on.

    Not for the last time in the season we were playing against brand new opposition. It was great to play against some unknown opposition and as with the game against The Clyde later in the year, great to play against a team with a bit of diversity.

    We played a pretty strong game. Batting particularly well with 5 people making 30’s. Big Dog, Alex, Jay, Ed and Sizzle all reached the milestone, with Dutchy also contributing a 29.

    Bowling wise everyone kept of very tight, with pretty much the whole team only conceding low double figures runs wise. Jay and Local both took two wickets, with a notable mention of Local again who took 3 catches.

    Got pretty wet there for the end of the cherry tree’s innings, with a couple of rain delays. And the quokka’s target was never really threatened.
    Great game to start the season. 

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  • Match Facts:

    Ramsden Street Oval

    Clifton Hill





    The Big Picture:

    It’s the last game of the 2010s for the Quokkas, with the boys in maroon looking to end the decade victoriously, or at least with a few laughs.


    A quick browse of the 201011 season folder on my computer revealed little in the way of stats, but I did find a photo of Pup and the Big Dog.


    Big Dog and Pup c 2010

    Big Dog and Pup c 2010


    In all, that’s what we’re all about; giving people a go and bringing people together through the medium of pub-grade cricket. It’s been quite a journey over the last ten years, but more on that another time.


    For now, its all about getting this Sundays game organised and executed with as close to eleven “players” as possible. And having some fun.


    Incidentally, many thanks to the 101 friends / family / passers by to line up for us over the last ten years. It’s been fun and I think we’ve created some smiles.


    A quick look at the “Rainbow Hotel” folder on this very site indicates that we haven’t beaten this weeks oppo for many years, with yours truly bowling one of my special many-ball overs, and hitting the winning runs the last time we did beat them.


    There you go, sometimes strange things happen when giving everyone a go.


    Form Guide:

    The Quokkas have been in unprecedented form (weirdly coinciding with my unavailability), knocking over The Clyde Hotel with relative ease in the last match – losing only 1 wicket in the chase in fact.


    Thanks to J Rod for representing the true Quokka spirit.

    Artists impression of the Quokka spirit

    Artists impression of the Quokka spirit


    In the Spotlight:

    As two of the founders of the Club, its probably about time Ed and The Big Dog got a bit of publicity.



     THE DOG is in career-best form with the bat, having creamed 58 runs in his 2 innings so far off only 61 balls. Both innings have also been not outs. If he were to start a band, it’d be called The Foundations.


    In addition to this, he is on 598 career YPCA runs, so needs only 2 to be the third player to score 600 runs or more. He has also taken 47 YPCA wickets at 22, which works out to be nearly 5 wickets per season or 0.72 per match.


    This will also be his 91st total appearance for The Quokkas, ten more than the clubs second-highest wicket taker; Ed.


    One of two players to have scored more than 1,100 runs (G’day Dutchy), Ed has a YPCA batting average of 39.46, a high score of 58* and 27 not outs to boot. He always talks down his footwork, but with 89 fours and 33 sixes, an even 50% of his runs come from boundaries; so there may not be too much movement there. Ed is not out in 49% of his innings.


    Our “offie” has also snared 46 YPCA wickets at 18, and is equal for most catches on 25 (G’day Tuesday) with an impressive average of 0.43 catches per match. Ed is also 3rd for run outs / stumpings (5) behind Radar (12) and Curto (6).


    Team News:

    After having a list as swollen as a belt after Christmas lunch, the numbers are down this week and we have just the ten available at the time of writing. Jay is Captaining though, which almost mean at least 14% more fun and entertainment, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we have 20 ins by Sunday morning.

    1. Ed
    2. Bid Dog
    3. Dutchy
    4. Local
    5. Snipper
    6. J Rod
    7. Alex
    8. Jay ©
    9. Sizzle
    10. Nimble


    Pitch and Conditions:

    Ramsden Street is a personal favourite and I was moved but unsurprised when it was renamed Revsden by the local council in recognition of my sporting achievements there.


    Its looking like a cool morning with a top of 22, so it should be rather pleasant out there.


    Stats and Trivia:

    • This will be J Rods 50th appearance for The Quokkas and 38th YPCA match. Well done mate, its always a pleasure to hear how happy your family are when you leave the house
    • On milestones, this will be Jays 40th total appearance for The Quokkas. The TFB has been a near-constant in his years with the club and certainly makes it a richer place
    • Alex is on 470 career runs, averaging 39.17 for his career and 65 for this season. Statistically he should get to 500 Sunday if given the chance.
    • Local is on 449 career runs, so just needs the one to get to 450. Interestingly, he has conceded 446 career runs, so has one of the best runs for:against ratios in the team
    • Special is on 87 career runs, only needing 13 to make it to his ton. Well done that man, he’s got there in 7 innings, it took me about 7 years.

    Resplendent Quokkas

    Resplendent Quokkas




  • From Captain Dutchy….

    That time of the season had come again. An annual dark period with some still in therapy re flashbacks of J-Rod’s opening stint in 2018. But this year, surely would be different. During the off season they had recruited well as the Draught looking favourably upon them. With more wins than losses and much vim and even vigour surely 2019 BDNO could see the lads show some pluck.

    I had been dragooned into captaincy and formulated a rather simple plan. If we could make the opposition score less than us we were a mathematical possibility.

    Our first game was against the Rose and we bowled first. On Albert Crescent it’s normally a four/six fest and the only way i could see us with a chance was to bowl full and outside off. Systems had been put in place during the week to ensure the Peel Nightclub was shut and so Ami was available to take the new ball and did not disappoint with a great over of near yorkers. Snipper followed suit and managed three much sought after dot balls (there were only ten for the inning). Special kept the the theme going and we had them at 0/21 off 18 deliveries.

    Pete started with a dot ball but then the Legside boundary saw a few. Jay steadied the ship and the mood was good. Sizzle sent some fizzing bombs down and in four balls had 1-for-3 with a lightning stumping from the Quokkas weapon behind the stumps, Radar. Big shout out to the guy in the gloves as he has made us spin bowlers, plus Ed, look really good. Pup kept it tight and Ed came back well after a couple got away.

    It was time to ‘bring on the Dawg’ and he didn’t disappoint conceding six straight singles. I then finished proceeding with 1/5 (catch to Radar) and we had actually done it! Kept an opponent to 84 runs. Only nine boundaries. On Albert Crescent. Outstanding.

    Time to bat and thoughts of previous quokka collapses were pushed out of mind. In the end we got there comfortably in the eighth over with only five batters needed

    (Me – 20 off 9, Ed – 20 off 15, 25 off 13, 5 off 7 and Jay 18 off 9).

    New territory as we now had to play a second game on BDNO, only the second(?) time in a decade of trying. Unfortunately for us we were to face the Dan. All 73 of them. Strange for a team that turned up with six a couple of times during the season… But all we had to do was execute the same plan.

    And after Ami and Snipper had bowled the first two it was looking promising, conceding only a boundary each. But then the floodgates opened with Pup the only wicket taker and the rest of us getting pummelled with a further 21 boundaries peppering the North Fitzroy passers by.

    144 was the target.

    Ed and Radar strode out with Ed returning shortly after a runout with seven next to his name. Radar and Snipper retired with 23 off 13 and 21 off 9 respectively. We were in with a shot but the Dan’s bowling improved and the runs were harder to get.  Jay couldn’t keep his strong form with the willow going and got a donut and Pup, Special, Sizzle, myself and Big Dog could only add another thirty runs off thirty deliveries for a total of 85. The same as our winning score the first game.

    It was small consolation that the Dan went on to win the Cup and I honestly think we could have been in with a show against other teams.


    Mighty men of fortune

    At this point i think it is worth highlighting Ed. He did the majority of work to put this great day together (over many days in the lead up), ably assisted by Kathleen.

    In summary a good day and something to build on in 2019/20…

    It’s obvious to me now the reason we lost the second game was simple. Council’s boorish licensing laws stated that the Bar could not open until 11:30am.  How are finely tuned athletes supposed to play under the oppression of Local Government,
    an organisation too distracted by ‘Way-finding Workshops, Ferret Outplacement Programs and Adopt-an-Alaskan initiatives to see the plight of the common man/woman/etc???

    Its just not cricket!

    I’m writing a stern letter to the Green Guide…

  • Match Facts:

    Ramsden Street Oval, Clifton Hill



    1pm start


    The Big Picture:

    The last game of 2018 brings with it a sense of optimism for The Quokkas, having made an unparalleled start to the season, as well as playing with a previously missing sense of vim and vigor.


    The Old Bar are a fantastic club and mighty strong with the good side of the force. We are still living off the sweet bread earned through selling an SUVs bootload of tinnies to them 2 years ago.


    On top of being powerful smashers of cans, they are also a great group and I can’t think of a better team to wrap the cricketing year up against.


    Form Guide:

    How things have changed. With 3 games completed this season, The Quokkas have already won 2 games. Thankfully the tour match followed the traditional path or I’d be getting truly worried about changes afoot. I mean, what next; dogs and cats living together?


    It should also be noted that The Quokkas have bowled their opposition out in both wins, with new recruits often starring.


    Quokkas: WLW


    In the Spotlight:

    I recently learned that a new Avengers movie is coming out next year, which would be exciting if there wasn’t a superhero returning to the cricket field this Sunday. That’s right dear reader, J Rod is back.


    While he may not wear his jocks on the outside, or at all, or run particularly fast, or at all – the master of napping whilst still standing returns.

    Yup, this guy

    Yup, this guy


    Recent parenting responsibilities have seen the great man slip to 6th for all time Quokka appearances (and he now has Pup biting at his heels), his pick-and-mix bowling style and big hitting is always in demand.


    Along with J Rod is another returning player who will be well received is Snipper. While an Engineering degree can be considered a baby that requires parenting, it probably requires less nappy changes than a human child. I dunno, you’ll have to ask Snipper.


    Anyway, he’s back.


    Team News:

    As for our other games this season, we start the week with a squad that resembles David Boon in the latter part of his career; bulging. Also, scoring runs.


    Artists impression of the Quokkas available squad

    Artists impression of the Quokkas available squad


    This, aspirational attendance, happened in the last game too, though we only had 9 on the field until almost drinks, so who knows.


    The team, at the time of writing, is:

    1. Big Dog
    2. Snipper
    3. J Rod
    4. Rev
    5. Ed (c)
    6. Monty
    7. SPECIAL
    8. Tom McSizzle
    9. VP
    10. Ami
    11. Radar
    12. Pup
    13. Jay
    14. Dutchy


    Pitch and Conditions:

    We finish off 2018 at arguably our favourite ground; Ramsden Street Oval. With a soft outfield and a public barbecue on site (!), Ramsden is easier to play on than a cabbage patch and a simple place to host a match; which we are doing this week.


    The forecast at the time of writing is for 22 degrees with a possibility of thunderstorms, so if we do get a game up it should be nice and, like a good chowder; clammy.

    Artists impression of the weather.

    Artists impression of the weather.


    Stats and Trivia:

    Now I become death, destroyer of worlds:

    • Wicket-keeping is a tricky role in the pub league, with little consistency in the bowling. Since taking it on, Radar has been phenomenal. This season alone he has 4 stumpings, and now has the all-time record for stumpings / run outs with 9 (Curto is still impressively second with 6).
    • Radars 30* in the last match also took him to over 450 career YPCA runs – well done!
    • Ami has started his Quokka career with a bang, taking 2 wickets at 3.21 runs per over. There is absolutely no way it can go wrong from here.
    • Having bowled our opposition out twice this season, the stats are looking good for us being able to score more runs than we concede this week as well. Ed (1.26), Pup (1.0), Dutchy (1.37), Snipper (1.64), Radar (1.17), Jay (1.01), Ami (1.06), Tom McSizzle (1.25) and SPECIAL (1.0) all have some of the best runs scored to runs conceded ratios at the club
    • The Rev is 2 runs away from joining the 300 run club for the Quokkas. Despite averaging 13.55 with the bat, there is no guarantee he’ll get there this week. Or this season. Or ever.


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