• I had to be in Myrtleford for work yesterday and over the long drive I replayed those final two balls in my head a thousand times and I still missed them.  I think I can put it down to not being able to achieve the firm grip I like on my little master while holding JRod’s. Anyway, to the details…

    In classic Quokkas from 14 players had turned to 11 by Sunday with myself picking up the captains badge curto left behind before heading to the beach. We bowled first to the Prince Patrick and struggled for wickets early on until I turned to Steve “Chef” Waugh and on cue the stumps were rattled. That was the only wicket and significant event of the first 12 overs with the exception of Pup pulling a hammy which effected his onfield enthusiasm the same way a sardine effects the humpback whale migration

    After the drinks there was fielding not seen since roger harper graced the field in a windies shirt. The choke was well and truly put on by everyone but Local who went for two MASSIVE sixes (only sixes of the game). Local did have his revenge when Tuesday took a catch that went so high Cypress Hill would have been impressed. In the normal run of events that would have been the fielding highlight, but in a normal game, the man who Robbo mentioned couldn’t catch ebola at a Sierra Leone teenage pash party, wouldn’t have calmly caught a skier just inside the fine leg boundary. Yes you are reading correctly Jarrod McKenzie took a catch. I took a catch a few balls later and once again the Dog had come on a taken a 2for in an over. To assist my match report he passed me this information on the batsman.

    “First victim (unluckiest man in cricket to be out c JRod b BD) has batted six times this season typically hitting 30 off 10 balls and only out twice. Second victim had played for the team for 2 years scoring over 300 runs and never been dismissed until he encountered the dog’s slower delivery.”

    We kept them to 168 which was in our range so not too much pressure which was evident by the way radar and Snipper strolled between the wickets in their opening partnership. Snip did get the innings going with a lazy 23 off one over and the Quokkas were away. Dog came and went and then JRod and Robbo proceeding to try and run each other out but still somehow kept the score board turning over. Dutchy got the run rate down before walking himself out (“the fielders were all shouting bowlers end!”) and then threw a tanty not seen from him in at least 2 years when Jrod offered him some running between wickets advice.

    It got down to 19 off 3 overs and Tuesday got it down to 7 off the last over, Local was dismissed on the 4th ball with 4 required. I walked to the crease, feeling ok about it as I did this in the game before Christmas. But as the Dog put it at the labour afterwards when he was “consoling” me – Sometimes you are the pigeon and sometimes the statue – and cricket once again humbled another player as I didn’t connect to either ball and we lost by 3 runs. It was tough, I lost plenty of sleep since working out who to blame and then I worked it out…I was distracted by Chef parading around infront of the Townhouses shirt off and chest out.

    Prince Patrick 168 (Dog 2fa, Snipper boundary run out)

    Quokkas 165 (Snipper 36, JRod 23, Radar 20, Ed 0*)

  • Match Facts:

    Sunday, January 11 2015 Ramsden Street Oval, Clifton Hill

    Start Time: 1pm

    The Big Picture

    With a new year brings new opportunities, which probably doesn’t bode so well for The Quokkas given their successful record of late. Of the 5 games played by the men in maroon so far this season, 4 have been impressive wins (either by large margins, or against good opponents).  The lads will certainly be hoping that the opportunity in this year of the goat isn’t one to revisit the losers tables at their opponents pubs.

    This match, against the Prince Patrick will be a good litmus test for where the Quokkas are at after the New Year break, with both teams fairly even in their previous encounters.

    Form Guide

    Quokkas: WWWLW

    Prince Patrick: n/a

    In the spotlight:

    Dutchy, freshly back from high altitude training in Canada, is in life-best form; averaging 36 with the bat at a strike rate of 203.  That may not be much chop in baseball terms, but the Dutchman is playing the rectangular bat game now.

    Also, having given up his suspect swing bowling & taken to bowling left-arm Chinamen, he is in the wickets for the first time in several seasons (2 @ 25, compared to his career average of 10 @ 40).

    All this, plus runs and wickets

    All this, plus runs and wickets

    Team News:

    As is often the way first thing on a Monday morning, The Quokkas have 13 available for this game though that is certain to change come midday Sunday. As per the normal custom where there is an excess of players, 2 of the 13 will be ‘bowling only’ players, which will also give the Captain the opportunity to rest less effective bowlers; which is generally all of them.

    Quokkas XIII (possible):

    1. Snipper
    2. Big Dog
    3. Dutchy
    4. Curto (C and W/K)
    5. Chef
    6. Tuesday
    7. Radar
    8. Pup
    9. Shotgun
    10. J Rod
    11. Robbo
    12. Local
    13. Ed

    Pitch and Conditions:

    The Ramsden Street Oval is a biggy, and after a week featuring a mix of rain and sun, the grass could be shoulder height by Sunday.  Toughing out the runs will be the name of the game Sunday, something that Captain Curto will relish in.

    Stats and Trivia:

    • With a 4 off the only ball he faced in the last game, Ed brought up his 100 runs for the season before Christmas.  This was last (famously) done by the Big Dog whose form tapered away steadily from then.  Can Ed avoid the Santa (doesn’t deliver after Christmas) award?
    • Dutchy is 27 runs off 100 runs for the season so far & in startling form;
    • Local is on 97 runs for the season, only bettered by the Big Dog (98).  Runs against that is;
    • If the players listed do play, it will be the first time this season that the Quokkas haven’t fielded a debutant
  • It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we were all going direct to the Labour in Vain, we were all going direct the other way to the Prince Patrick, it was sunny, it was stormy, it was 25 degrees, it was 15 degrees, it was Ed’s six, it was Mo’s pushups, it was Canty’s chambray, it was Emu’s mohawk, it was Dutchy’s tanty, it was Curto’s lack of a mid on, it was pub cricket at its best, it was pub cricket at its worst.
    It begins, as it is with all things, with the Creator. The reason for being. The Reverend.
    And Curto.
    Their opening partnership looked strong. Curto shouted, Rev ran. Boundaries were hit, a platform was built. The sun was shining. All was well with the world.
    Ignoring all before him, The Rev focused on those he could not see, namely keeper and slip. Repeatedly he took forth the edge of his bat and cleft them in twain. This reverse attack tactic could never last long however, and soon a trademark ‘leave’ toed to first slip marked the end of his on-field contribution (14).
    Joined at the crease by the perfectly-coiffured Emu, the scoreboard ticked over nicely until Curto (15) fell foul of a full toss bringing the score to 46 for 2. Curto silently made note of this tactic for later in the day.
    It is heartening to see what the love of a good woman can do for a chap. Emu looked rejuvenated by promises of betrothal from Mademoiselle Mu and raced to 31 while Canty could only stand and admire.
    Gladys swung like the silver fox he is but could only manage 10. Phantom added a certain 27-year-old English medium pace bowler to his long list of English cricketing comparisons by not walking when the ball hit his elbow, but then tried to swat a straight one and left on 7.
    Meanwhile, Canty had his collar popped for the occasion however and had no intention of going anywhere, especially anywhere near the strikers end. He ensured the scorers rarely had to deviate from the binary system and was fittingly dismissed on 11.
    At 94 for 5 our early platform looked in jeopardy. Rowdy, on who’s Atlassian shoulders so many Quokkas innings had been propped up, put the pressure back on with some big hitting. Despite racing to 14, his ‘go big or go home’ strategy soon saw him home.
    Mo carried on where Rowdy left off and some muscular shots led some to question his relationship with the Essendon medical team. Newly married J-Rod, perhaps showing what too much love from a good woman can do, chipped a flaccid shot to mid off for 1.
    Big Dog started strong but the tempting waft from the barbeque proved too much as he departed on 3 from as many balls.
    With 8 men back in the shed and the score at 111 (which no doubt delighted Canty) it didn’t look good. What we needed was something out of left field and that was exactly what we got. Ed emerged from the toilets still clutching his little master and proceeded to slap it all over the place. Three fours and a six over cover prompting Platoon-like celebrations and talk of a book sequel.
    As Mo’s peptides ran low he headed back to the pavilion on 13, Emu returned to accompany Ed for the final 2 overs. Sensing a man looking after his average, The Prince Patrick brought the field in and kept Emu down to a few singles.
    With the Quokkas finishing on a competitive 149, it was time for Dutchy’s bicycle barbeque and Ed’s attempt at food poison with a $10 bag of snags.
    And so to the field… a freshly pepped Mo took the new ball and along with Rowdy & Dutchy gave the PP little opportunity to score. With the batsmen hungry for runs, the early introduction of Big Dog’s pastry treats was too much for one to bear, charging down the wicket leaving Gladys an easy stumping. 17 -1.
    Gladys was in on the action again in the next over with J-Rod attracting the edge and being thankful one of the few Quokka keepers able to take such tricky catches was behind the stumps. 26 – 2.
    Enter the PP captain and Ed’s muse, Jeremy. Emu’s decision to move Curto from cover to slip saw his first ball lobbed safely up to cover. Subsequent dropped catches by Dutchy & Ed (trying to attract the attentions of Man City scouts by bringing the ball down beautifully on his chest) meant opportunities to send their big hitter back early went begging.
    Always preferring to see wickets fall from his own bowling, Ed redeemed himself thanks to another stumping from Gladys. The cricket gods were clearly unhappy however, venting their displeasure with weather uglier than a Mortimer inseminated Tasmanian. Time for drinks.
    With the gods sated with cans of Melbourne Bitter and the smoke of exotic herbs, play soggily resumed with the PP on 71-3.
    Another 40 runs with no wickets meant the PP had 2 retirees, one enabled by square leg umpire Strawbs’ double vision, but Gladys’ catch from Big Dog meant the game was going to go down to the roach. Glady’s had now been involved in all 4 wickets, but kindly no-one mentioned the captain’s field set exclusively for catches in front of square.
    Clearly useful in a casino, Ed’s score updates informed all that the PP needed 14 of 12. Pressure on.
    Mo was feeling pressure of his own as he rang up his 1000th push up while Curto took what everyone assumed would be the second to last over. Let’s just hope any deliveries he’s involved in in the near future go rather more smoothly.
    Recalling his own dismissal he attempted a similar ‘full’ ball but was a smidgen (6ft) too high. Wild thing indeed. 11 from 12.
    Fielding downwind of the umpire’s intoxicating waft clearly affected J-Rod who, after being labelled as ‘Quokka’s best fielder’ by someone else who must have been breathing the same air, casually set about proving them wrong.
    A 6 closely followed by a 4 saw the pressure evaporate, and another single saw the PP home and (mostly) dry. The Quokkas team left wondering what might have been and whether Curto was lamenting more the loss of his mid on or his mind.
    What might have been then infact was, with the PP closed and the Labour never more open, Ed took full advantage of Kathleen’s absence to snuggle up to Jeremy on the warm deck (see photo).
    The Loving Couple

    The Loving Couple

  • Following on from Rowdy and Gladys’ dramatic tied B&F award, we are proud to bring you some imagery from the big day (not, not out):

    Emu & ...?

    Dutchy, Phantom, Rowdy and Curto looking thrilled to be at the event. Dutchy may be looking at something else. Photo is as well centred as Curto.

    Rowdy, pictured here drinking from the furry Quokka cup

    The Skinny Dog

    Emu Waterhouse laments putting his house on The Rev getting at least 1 vote

    Morts celebrates his "Mike Hussey" award for taking one for the team, Cupsy agrees

    The Rev receives his Judas award for helping take the Prince Patrick to the BDNO final

    Big Dog tells his disbelieving fans about his 8 votes

    Rowdy celebrating wildly after taking home the batting award, best batting performance award and B&F

  • Sunday 27 January 2013 saw the mighty Labour in Vain Quokkas, in their penultimate game of the Regular Season, take on the Prince Patrick Hotel at the home of Pub League Crickets poor illegitimate cousin, Alfred Crescent (its interesting how we keep getting allocated this ground is it not?).  The last time the Quokkas played at “The Crescent” was prior to Christmas against my namesake (Radar), The Curtin Hotel, and thanks to some lusty hitting from Rowdy (who can forget that 87 NOT off 20 odd balls), The Rev got his beloved Quokka Cap back and the Quokkas amassed 260 odd off the allotted 25 overs.  Consequently spirits were high and totals of 220+ were being spoken about amongst the group prior to the commencement of proceedings.
    Given we were hosting and as is the tradition the Quokkas were first at wicket.  Big Dog (back at the top of the order looking to recapture his pre-Christmas form) and Ed (following on from his NOT the previous) opened up against the PP’s pace attack (who all strangely bowled off three steps – took me a few overs to work out they must play a lot of indoor).  The Big Dog cracked the first nut of the day forward of point and the ball raced to the boundary, almost the perfect start for the Quokkas.  Unfortunately though his innings terminated at the start of the second following a C&B, however that brought our Western Suburbs import Rowdy to the crease.  Well he missed the first one, but not many after that as he carved his way to a majestic 39NO off 15.  Ed was doing a fine job anchoring the innings (as he said its all about partnerships) and as such after 12 overs we had two retired in the bank with the score a healthy 1/104.  As Dutchy always says, we are prone to 3rd quarter fade outs (whether with bat or ball) and the 7 overs after the drinks break netted us only another 34, despite the good work of Ed 24 off 29.
    As captain for the day I didn’t see much of the last dozen overs of our batting as I struggled manfully with the BBQ (thanks to Kathleen for putting me out of my misery there), but I did look up at one point to see Curto paddle a full toss from a spinner into he soon to be be married face and then go crashing to the ground with a remodelled septum.  The site of blood, especially Curto’s lifted tensions but failed to lift the run rate as our last 6 overs resulted in another 34 runs despite the best efforts of Emu’s 26 off 24.
    Consequently at tea (code for poorly cooked sausages prepared by me and tasty steaks by K, but with cold and abundant beer, nice work Mo) the innings was complete with the what appeared to be a sub par total of 172.
    After the break, with Curto heading off to the ED, it was now up to the Quokkas to unleash with the ball and in the field.  The idea being to not only restrict the PP from scoring but also to try and dismiss 11 of their batsmen (probably wishful thinking given they flogged us last season, and in the process only lost 1 wicket).
    With Curto off the field his young nephews, Sam and Will filled the breach admirably as the Quokkas attack went about taking wickets.
    After receiving some advice from a number of 20/20 experts it was agreed to adopt a more adjunct approach to our bowling, dropping off the normal 2 over spells and adopting a random one over, “horses for coureses” approach.  The theory being it doesn’t give the batsmen a chance to get a look at too many balls by the same bowler.
    It seemed after 5 overs this was a master stroke with a wicket falling and some good bowling by Robbo, English Rob, J Rod, Dutchy and Emu keeping it super tight with the PP Floundering on 1/18 and going nowhere.  That early tight bowling however was all undone when the PP unleashed their Panda, who combined with Biff and David W to smack a much more respectable 80 off the next 8 overs and to lift the score to 4/95 at the break (still behind the Quokkas though on the Duckworth Lewis model).
    After the break the wickets kept tumbling but the runs continued to flow at 10 runs per over for the next 7 overs and it was going to come down to who cracked first as both teams headed for an early finish.  When the Panda strode back to the wicket the game seemed to be still in the balance with the Quokkas needing just one more wicket, but he quickly snuffed out any hope wielding his trusty piece of bamboo and parking the next few nuts into the surrounding parkland (almost destroying a child’s Pinate in the process and knocking a lady off a bike).
    Despite the loss the bowling was generally of a reasonable class as was the catching by Robbo, Morts, Dutchy and J Rod.  There were also a couple of run outs, one thanks to an excellent throw from English Rob from the boundary and the other after a PP batsman blew an achilles and headed off to the ED, while The Mu dislodged the bails at the non-strikers end (competitive bloke that Mu).
    Notable bowling figures were J Rod 2/19, Emu 2/22 (off 3), Rowdy 2/15 (off 3), ED 1/21 (off 3) and Morty who had 0/10 (off 2) but did have a controversial stumping disallowed for a knee high full toss.
  • Luke Curtain – A Captain’s Diary

    Chapter 3

    Sunday 27th November saw the Labour in Vain do battle with newcomers ‘The Prince Patrick’.  And although ‘Prince Patrick’ sounds more like a discrete body piercing than a reputable drinking establishment, they proved to be formidable adversaries for the Quokkas.

    The Pre-game net session was lively, and our bowlers were looking sharp.
    Unfortunately there was confusion over who was the home team for the day, so a late beer run from Emu and Robbo meant that the Quokkas would have to pad up in overcast conditions.

    Again, the batting order was afresh with new faces. Emu, Gladys and Robbo were all making their debuts, while Bad Boy got his first chance for the season.


    Rowdy and the Rev opened the batting and both got of the mark in the first over.

    But The Prince Patrick struck early. Rowdy (Not unlike a 14 year old boy watching a Sophie Lee hosted cartoon program) was caught pulling.

    J-Bomb came in a made a quick-fire 27 (including 6 boundaries) but was caught out, agonizingly close to his second 30 of the season.

    Matt (Gladys) was next at the crease and a first ball six was followed by some majestic stroke play. His cover drives were not matched by his running between the wickets, with partner ‘Rev’ the casualty, ending a steady-handed innings.

    Gladys was quick to bring up his 30 after the drinks break and when Gregor was out for 7 (after playing all his best shots in the nets pre-game) veteran Dutchy and first gamer Emu put together a partnership worthy of winning the match.
    Dutchy chanced his arm for 22 and Emu who overcame some early nerves went onto make a swashbuckling 32 including a massive six.

    Curto did his best to slow the run rate late with a ‘very hard to watch’ 11, and there were some late contributions by Pup, Bad Boy and Robbo.

    TOTAL 7/155


    With the clouds clearing and the pitch drying out, the Prince Patrick had the better of the batting conditions.

    Robbo and Bad Boy took the new ball both from the Eastern Freeway end.

    Aided by a breeze on the back Bad boy’s first over was a nasty one, and he had the opener dragging back onto his stumps with a peach of a delivery late in the over

    Bad Boy’s jaffa would prove to be the only wicket of the day.
    The boys from Victoria Parade picked their deliveries for the duration of the innings with no less than 5 batsmen going onto make 30.

    The Quokkas tried hard in the field and with the red pill, but inevitably we were chasing leather.
    A miscalculation of our score made the chase a little more interesting (The opposition thought the target was 166), but either way they reached both scores comfortable with an over to spare and wickets in hand.

    The highlight in the field was young Sam Curtain showing vigor and fleet-footedness at 3rd man late in the game. Most importantly he showed that listening to the captain’s instructions pays off in the field

    TOTAL 1/167

    Special mention must go to all those who came to support the team.
    Beth, Jo, Sarah, Sally, Julie, Will, Navina, Trudy and Kristin (who ruled himself out of being a late substitute with a net related injury)

    The signs look good for the of rest season so keep your chins up.

    Luke Curtain; Curto, The Captain, Viv Richards, The Master Blaster

  • Match Facts:
    LiV Quokkas v The Prince Patrick
    Ramsden Street Oval, Clifton Hill

    The Big Picture:

    The Quokkas are coming off their last game with a definite feeling of ‘what might have been’. Approximately 16 dropped catches and several full tosses let The Union, a strong batting side, take the game well and truly away from them.

    The Quokkas have been emailing each other rapidly in response and even managed a net session, which was cut cruelly short by a drinking session.

    The Prince Patrick are something of an unknown, with this being their first season in the league & no-one really that sure of where their pub is.

    With some very strong “ins” this match is a great chance for the Quokkas to get back on the winners list at our spiritual home.

    Form Guide:
    Quokkas: W-L

    Watch out for:

    • Bad Boy – hasn’t bowled a ball in anger this season but has done plenty of good work umpiring, the Quokkas are looking forward to their B&F from 2010-11 returning to the fray;
    • Robbo – The ninth new Quokka to debut this season, Robbo has shown plenty in the nets with good pace and shape, should be like a virgin in a brothel: providing a handful with the new ball;

    Team News:

    • Its “all change” for the Quokkas this game, with 7 players going out and 6 coming in.  Only in Quokka land does that add up;
    • Our beloved scorer, Sarina, is also out for this game – so someone is going to have to learn how its done;
    • After dominating with bat, ball and gloves this season – Curto now shows us what he can do with the captains hat;

    Quokkas (possible):

    1. Rowdy
    2. Rev
    3. J Bomb
    4. Emu
    5. Gregor
    6. Dutchy
    7. Curto (c)
    8. Pup
    9. Snoop
    10. Bad Boy
    11. Robbo

    “where the hell is the Prince Patrick?” – everyone


Recent Comments

  • Strong.
  • Proper swing bowling that was. Pitch it up.
  • Fabulous article which made us smile in the Spanish sunshine...
  • You forgot to mention Harry getting to bowl an over aswell. ...
  • Please see point 5.