Quokkas C.C.

The return of the Skip

I have been receiving a lot of mail throughout the season regarding The Quokkas and their apparent link to a mysterious ‘life force’ that appears to help them through all their tight matches to victory and went conspicuously missing in Paris (a notorious hive for the ‘dark side’). While not being in a position to comment, I am going to have to admit that the evidence is becoming overwhelming. Are the Quokkas Jedis? Perhaps.

The latest piece of evidence for the affirmative came on the weekend when The Skip returned to The Quokkas colours to guide the team to victory, much like Skywalker (L) and his return to bring peace to the galaxy.

Arriving in Cookham, one of the loveliest grounds seen by our army, The Quokkas immediately fell into something of a relaxed-funk; their senses being dulled by the lush surroundings, fresh memories of their last victory with ten men and inside knowledge from The Hairdresser that Cookham CC weren’t much to contend with.

They were soon ripped from their daydream after The Skip sent The Quokkas in and Cookhams opening bowlers started spraying The Mantis and The Rev with swinging bouncers. It was then that the force started to kick in, with the brave openers beginning to find their groove before The Rev fell foul of a dubious LBW decision that came straight from the Dark Side. It does prey on the weak-minded.

The newly promoted Egg soon followed The Rev back to the pavillion, as did the new hope; The Bushranger. This brought about the return of The Skipper, sabre in hand and strong in the force. Combined with The Mantis, The Quokkas soon built a strong platform with swashbuckling strokes from the Mantis and the Skip piercing the field with regularity despite more hostile bowling until The Mantis’ defence was eventually breached.

Using the power of the good side, the Quokkas middle order built an unusual resistance, with our player from a universe far, far away (Robert ‘the’ Bruce of Canadia) supporting the Skip before falling to a baseball hook. The Skaff and PJ then combined to help the scoreboard ticking over, with PJ in particular showing how to swing the sword in bringing up a 59-run partnership for the 7th wicket.

Feeling a presence he had not felt since…2006, The Skip suddenly lost his guard and his wicket for 89 runs. No nervous 90’s for him. The tail did admirably to take the total to 193, a Quokka record, with the African connection of Carel ‘Asbo’ Venter, Thug P and Smithers all shouldering the burden. In the case of Asbo this was more using once arse then force.

Being slightly stunned at their score, the Quokkas were again soon woken from their slumber with their first ball which was smashed for six back to London. Settling into a rhythm though, the Thug was soon keeping a tight line and Smithers (possibly returning from the dark side) had their 6-smashing opener trapped LBW. Thug then had the other opener caught by a Russell Robertson impersonating Rev, and then their dangerous number 3 by The Skip in what was possibly the catch of the year. Strong in the force, he is.

Cookham were not about to let up though and their middle-order started finding the boundary with ease. Their left-hander, Nunn, gave the bowlers plenty to worry about until the Skip stepped in to do all the work himself with a handy caught and bowled using the old Jedi off-spin trick. Still, more was needed and the introduction of the out-of-confidence Egg proved the breakthrough, with 2 wickets falling for only 16 runs off 4 overs.

The perseverance of PJ coming in up the hill from the pavillion end also paid off, bowling one through the gate after some particularly helpful chirping from the Thug leading the chorus in ‘catchers corridor’.

The rest was left to The Skaff, who after a strong showing with the bat and the field came in with some speedy and accurate bowling to clean bowl The Hairdressers brother and ‘do a Bradley’ in pulling out a Caught and Bowled to remove their number 9 and wrap-up the match with 12 runs to spare.

Well done to all the lads for their contributions, particularly to the Thug in his comeback and Asbo for fitting right in at the last minute.

As a final point, the votes will longer be broadcast so as to keep a little more anticipation regarding presentation night. We will however, be broadcasting:

The Iain Edwards Bravery award
Which goes to Robert the Bruce for filling in so admirably with the gloves. The team has voted that he continue on in this role & hope he is a follower of democracy. Those baseball trousers though? Not too many votes there.

The Andrew Smith Champagne Moment
A few possibilities here between The Bushranger dropping an identical catch to the one against Wantage, ‘the huddle’, Asbo using his arse as a bat, The Revs screamer and the Thugs chirping - but it has to go to The Skip for an outstanding catch at first slip.

Quokkas smash record against Tusmore…by 2

In a summer that has produced few bright spots, the Quokkas seized the opportunity of a day without rain to take to the field. Contained within the Tusmore estate, the Quokkas provided the good people of Britain with a display of fine skill and sportsmanship.

For the initiated, Tusmore park is one of the richest private estates in Britain and has possibly the best ground the Quokkas have been privileged to tred, though this years pitch had changed due to the recent floods into what might (at best) be called ‘damp’.

With memories of last years match in which he went out to a controversial LBW decision, the Mantis obviously had a point to prove, smashing out from the start. Not wanting to let the hoodoo of the ‘Tusmore openers duck’ drop, the Rev obliged in his comeback game, prodding at the first ball to roll at him with his front foot and being given and LBW of his own.

Promoted to number three, Ivan ‘The Terrible’ Fam was obviously in awe of The Rev and not wanting to make him look like a fool, also fell to the first ball that came his way.

Walking out on a hat-trick, The Hairdresser managed to fend off a couple of balls, but the only trouble he gave the scorer was filling out the ‘fall of wicket’ column a few balls later.

With the Quokkas on 3 wickets for 6, things weren’t looking as bright as the weather, and The Attack strode out with all the pressure in the world on his broad and bulging shoulders. It didn’t seem to matter though, as he took his ‘Attack Manual’ with him, blasting his first ball for 4 and staying in that gear all the way through to a quick-fire 42.

He did have some luck on the way, with one lofted hand-grenade not bouncing, but flying over his head before landing on the stumps. Rightfully though, it was called a ‘no ball’ and allowed him to continue the carnage.

Up the other end, the Mantis was also getting stuck in, putting on 44 valuable runs, and they shared in a valuable 89-run stand before The Attack was finally bowled. The Mantis followed him back shortly after though, leaving the Quokkas at 96 for 5.

Following in The Terribles footsteps, PJ decided to emulate the Mantis and was also back in the pavilion soon after. Some late resistance from Dave ‘Express’ Barnett, The Egg and (surprisingly) The Knock added more credibility, leaving the Quokkas on 140 which was considered a winning score and a good effort from 10 batsmen.

After enjoying another fine selection of teas and cakes, The Quokkas were feeling ultra-confident running out into the field, so much so that they let The Rev opening the bowling. It soon paid off though, as he snared one opener, before The Express cleverly managed to trick the other opener into hitting the ball into the stumps off the back of his bat.

In an inspired piece of captaincy (Robin who?), The Egg quickly brought off The Rev and brought on The Attack for a brilliant brace of fast bowling that brought 3 quick wickets, while the lightning (or is it thunderous) work of PJ in the field produced a top-shelf run-out.

Tusmore were suddenly 6 down for 40-odd and The Quokkas were starting to think about the sweet taste of victory when a middle-order resistance of Tusmores own suddenly brought the game to life.

The Egg did all he can in mixing up the bowling, and while the runs were hard to come by - particularly off the obstinate Fatman - they did keep coming, until the Knock duped one of the batsmen into thinking they could hit him for ANOTHER 4 and they popped it up for PJ to take one of the more colourful catches of the year.

After working tirelessly for 7 overs, The Fatman finally got the other breakthrough, getting an edge through to the ultra-sharp Hairdresser behind the stumps. He may be too much of an Englishman to sledge, but Ive seen samurai swords with less sharpness.

With 3 batsmen left and 14 runs to play with, things were still *tricky* and The Egg was left to bring on The Quokkas traditional man-of-steel, The Mantis, for the breakthrough. He didn’t get a wicket, but he did manage to break the opponents bat with a particularly aggressive leg-spinner.

Having scared everyone just a little bit, The Mantis then gave the ball to The Express, who cleaned up the last 2 wickets, leaving the Quokkas victorious by a massive 6 runs.

The Votes:
5 - The Attack. What a performance. 9-4-13-3 and 42 runs.
4 - The Mantis. 44 runs and broke a bat.
3 - The Express. 3 wickets, 9 fingers. That’s amazing.
2 - Fatman. Held the middle order together, bowled 7 unchanged overs and took a great wicket. Also finished off the cakes.
1 - The Knock. 9 runs (he is away…) and a crucial wicket.

The Iain Edwards Bravery Award
A tough one this week, but I’m giving it to C. Winton from the other team, who not only turned out despite being 10 years old, but also took 3 wickets, had his bat broken by The Mantis and showed some great card tricks at the tea break.

Quokkas hold nerve, swerve, verve

For those of you, dear readers, who have a long-term memory, you may recall that the last time the Quokkas travelled to the lush meadows of Greenford to play Salix CC, they came away with a ninth-wicket / last-over victory. Not wanting to be too predictable, they came close again in 2007, though with a couple of overs to spare.

Arriving at the ground to find a pitch with rather a lot of ‘life’ after the previous days downfall, The Eggs eyes lit up at the prospect of a turning pitch and had no hesitation in sending Salix in.

The move was a good one, with wickets tumbling regularly once the bowlers found their radar. This was also, arguably, the best bowling line-up fielded by The Quokkas, with The Attack & Fatman being relegated to first change after Quokka-great Smithers and the new left-arm slinger; Andy Seddon.

The Attack was obviously not happy about this and started the rot with disciplined rather than fierce bowling. This was celebrated with a little more fervour than usual by The Hairdresser, who then fell to The Quokkas ‘keeping curse by rolling his ankle.

The Attack was ably assisted by Slingy, Smithers, and Fatty, who all got in the wickets. Their early work wasnt helped by some sloppy fielding (7 drops for the day) and some enthusiastic umpiring (with 23 wides being recorded for the innings).

Salix didn’t give up though, and their 6th wicket put on a 40-run partnership with some dogged batting, defying the deft bowling changes and the newly introduced spin / medium pace attack of Loughie (who seems to improve by the minute), The Knock, The Egg, Michael Cunningham and The Professor who combined for 2 wickets for 30 runs off 10 overs.

Recalling The Mantis’ heroics from last year, The Quokkas looked at the target of 128 and wondered who else would get a score. The answer wasn’t quite what they were after when his stumps were sprayed for just 4 runs. The Hairdresser, still obviously settling into first drop, also did little to trouble the scorers, registering his first Duck and leaving the Quokkas on 2/12 after 5 overs.

Many of you may again be able to recall some classical Quokka middle-order collapses, but not on this day. Michael Cunningham strode to the wicket and kept walking down it as the bowler approached, plundering a huge six and some big fours before getting himself out with another attempt at clearing the field. “Hide his passport, don’t let him leave” was the whisper from the rooms as he returned to the boundary.

Next in was The Attack, who smashed two massive fours off his first two balls and went on to plunder a lightning-fast 28 before falling to the oddest delivery seen since The Egg ’special’ at Wantage in 2006.

Another small collapse set-in, with The Professor, The Egg and The Knock all falling despite solid resistance from Fatty and some more swashbuckling from Loughie. With ten runs needed off as many overs, The Quokkas were somewhat at ease as Smithers strode out to bat and started pushing singles and a nice four through point.

It wasn’t to last though, as the ease changed to confusion then great mirth before shock as he managed to fall-over some air between wickets, do a pirouette in the air, flail about on the ground and manage to get run-out.

This brought Slingy out, our number 11, who had predicted that he couldn’t bat but could certainly bowl. He had been right once already and we preyed it wouldn’t be twice. Good thing we have a man of God on our side, as Slingy and the Fatman managed to make up the required couple to draw close on another day of long shadows and Quokka history.

Well done all. Next, a fired-up Wantage at home. Stay tuned…

The votes:

5 - The Attack. 3 for 10 for Christs’ sake. Then 28 off about as many. Nessun dorma.
4 - Fatman. Couple of handy wickets and the rock in our batting innings.
3 - Andy ‘Slingy’ Seddon. 1st over went for 5, the next 6 yielded 6 runs and a wicket. Get some spikes.
2 - Michael Cunningham. Pietersen-inspired hair and batting. Good sledging too (drew our first complaint).
1 - The Professor. Opened the batting and saw off the openers. 1-0 off 1.4 with his deceptive straighteners.

Iain Edwards Bravery Award
This weeks winner is The Knock, who stopped a ball that came charging back at him off his bowling, causing severe bruising but not stopping him from taking 1 for 7 off 3.

Paris, City of Love. (Standard CC-1, Quokkas CC-Love)

Before this weeks match report gets under way, 2 apologies:

1) To the reader, as this report will be short due to a newly acquired injury that restricts typing
2) To Standard CC, for the match the Quokkas provided them with

Also included in this report is are 4 thank-yous:

1) to Michelle, the French gentleman who picked the Quokkas up off the street and drove them to the ground
2) to the Quokkas (and Quokettes) for making the trek to Paris
3) Geordie, the newest and youngest Quokka for helping us out on and off the pitch
4) Claude Schneider, our ‘host’ who gave us the locals

And so, in the spirit of the above, here is an abbreviated match report:

1) After an exercise in poor organisation and the intervention of the above-mentioned Michelle, we made it to the impressive grounds
2) We were sent in
3) We got pummelled
4) The Egg did well to mix it up, finding some encouraging middle-order efforts from PJ, The Mantis and The Hairdresser. Thug also came back to keep a good line and length
5) Some further inspired captaincy saw the Egg take the gloves off the Rev and give him the ball, resulting in a wicket
6) The quokkas then faced 300+ and started poorly, losing 3 quick wickets before the one-armed Attack came in to support the Mantis and steady the ship
7) The loss of the Attack saw another collapse, despite a stirling effort by PJ, and our eventual demise

Please feel free to expand on this report in the ‘comments’ section below - the trip to Paris deserves it!

The votes:

5 - The Mantis, top score with the bat and some mean leggies
4 - The Attack, devastating with the bat
3 - The Hairdresser, good with the gloves in the Revs stead and handy off-spinners
2 - PJ, impressive in his first game, holding up both middle-orders
1 - Thug P, kept it real in the field, with the ball and in the hood

The Iain Edwards Bravery Award:

This weeks Iain Edwards bravery award is split between The Attack and The Rev. The Attack bravely fielded and batted without full use of his right arm, putting most Quokkas to shame with the accuracy of his left arm. The Rev kept wicket for 10 overs with a broken finger and managed to play a couple of his beloved ‘forward defensive’ shots to boot.

Some daguerreotypes of the ill fated journey are available below.

A last wicket finish? The Quokkas must be back.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, after a weeks delay due to rain (explanation of rain to follow for Australian readers) the Quokkas season began in familiar fashion with the game coming down to the last wicket and a handful of runs.

After a slow start to the day in which both teams arrived to King George’s Field, tardily before deciding on which pitch was the least likely to cause injury, the coin was tossed and the season began.

With memories of the pace attack from Wantage CC still fresh in their minds, The Rev and The Mantis looked on in disbelief as The Egg called incorrectly, resulting in them being sent in to bat.

Thankfully though, Wantage had decided to ‘make a game of it’ and sent in their bowlers with phasers switched to military medium. The Mantis took to this quickly, hitting the boundary almost immediately.

To everyones surprise, including his own, The Rev also sent the ball to the boundary with this first ball. This was the end of the surprises though, as he continued to make a further two runs in fourteen overs. Even the ball was bored.

Seeing that it was up to him to score runs, The Mantis started playing some rash shots and soon fell. This precipitated something of a collapse, with a further three wickets falling quickly for five runs.

With hearts in mouths, The Quokkas watched the enigmatic Attack stride to the crease and were soon leaping with joy as he found his line and started sending the ball to all quarters. He was joined by equally explosive, yet less durable, contributions from Smithers and The Thug. The Thug later revealed that he was just keeping it ‘real’.

After chancing his arm once too often, The Attack found himself strolling back to the pavilion (note: there was no pavilion) and again The Quokkas were in trouble.

Their prayers were answered by two hundred and fifty kilograms of brilliance in the form of the Fatman, The Egg and Loughie who whipped anything loose to the boundary and scurried between wickets to take the final score to 147.

After a refreshing tea (wonderfully supplied by Anna, Kylie and Nat) the Quokkas took to the field with a spring in their step and a dollop of strawberry icing on their shirts.

Ever the traditionalist, The Egg began with the bowling combination of The Attack and Thug P. Thug found some early swing while The Attack was simply ferocious, having to be asked not to bounce the batsman repeatedly. “But I wasn’t” he replied each time, putting further fear into the hearts of anyone within earshot.

Showing insight beyond his young years, The Egg made deft fielding and bowling changes, bringing on the Fatman and Smithers, which resulted in a wicket almost immediately. Notably, the introduction of the Fatman also saw The Rev and the slips (not to be confused with the fifties skiffle band of the same name) push back almost to the boundary.

“As the Lord is my witness, this bloke is quick” The Rev was heard to say.
“Word” Thug was heard to reply coolly.

The wickets started to fall steadily, though they didn’t stop the score from increasing. It soon became obvious that the only way to victory would be to bowl out the brave soldiers from Wantage.

The unexplained power that creates Quokka victories soon came into play though, with the Wantage wicket-keeper gloving one to The Rev and walking without appeal. Next, The Bushranger dropped a sitter, picked the ball up off the ground and proceeded to throw down the stumps from 20 paces (his duelling range), running out the batsman in perhaps the most comedic wicket ever.

Loughie and Smithers continued to assist the front-line bowlers, with good catches being held by The Attack and the newly streamlined Skaff.

With seven runs in hand, The Egg turned again to the Fatman, who first fooled the batsman by dropping his pace before sending in a missile that took the edge, and hurled straight at The Rev, where the catch was held. Had the ball not been heading at The Revs second-most prized asset, his face, the result may not have gone the way it did.

Still, The Quokkas walked off the pitch victors and beaming in anticipation of the season ahead.

The Votes:
5 - The Fatman. 5 Wickets. Scorching pace. 20+ runs at the death. You beauty.
4 - The Attack. Ridiculous pace. Steady line. Held the innings togethor and took a couple of great catches.
3 - The Mantis. Started the innings in typical fashion. An inspiration to us all.
2 - Loughie. Steady batting at the death and a couple of crucial wickets.
1 - The Rev. Decent first game with the gloves and possibly the most boring Quokka innings. Until Paris.

The Iain Edwards Bravery Award:
Goes to the Wantage CC Wicketkeeper who walked after gloving one. None of The Quokkas were cognitive enough to realise that the ‘nick’ sound before the ball was caught could indicate the batsman was out, but this gent upheld the spirit of the game and made us all look better just by being in his presence.

Quokka Ashes 2007 - Brittania Rules

Welcome aboard the Quokka campaign for 2007, a campaign that has started with one match for the result of one win, and one loss.

Meeting at The Skips Chiswick Bordello on an overcast Sunday morning in April, Quokkas old and new blew the cobwebs off their shoulders, shook hands and made their way to the local field. This turned out to be something of a misnomer, with the field actually being more of a paddock, complete with divets.

The toss was made by the Skips father, Derek Bradley, who spun the coin with steady and firm fingers. “Years of practice” he said with a wink to the Rev, before distracting the awed crowd and pocketing said coin.

The Skip apparently won the toss and chose wisely in batting first. The Quokkas opening pair for 2007 of The Mantis and The Rev strode to the wicket full of confidence but soon changed their attitude when the opening ball hit a divet behind the Revs outstretched front leg and bounced back into the stumps.

Five overs of conservative batting and a couple of lucky run-outs followed for the pair, two of which were provided from the dead-eye of Smithers in the deep.

Coming in with the score on minus 8, the next batting pair of PJ and The Bushranger not only steadied the innings, but started to mount some runs in the positive. The Bushranger showing some proper cricket shots (confounding all present) and PJ being active between the wickets.

The Attack and Loughie were the next pair in and continued where the previous two left off, with The Attack showing his intent for the year in particular, smashing the Egg for some massive sixes. PJ and The Bushranger came back in to complete the Australian innings, bringing up a respectable total close to 40.

The English innings began with slightly less fraught than the Australians with the pitch now flattened and docile. The Skip and his newly minted father greeted this with glee, spanking the ball to all corners from the off. Only some fine fielding, including a stumping from the newly-gloved Rev, managed to slow them down. Some would argue the slowing down was due to their knees, but that is another matter for another time.

The English innings continued on in a similar veign, with Smithers and the Hairdresser in particular getting involved in swatting everything pitched a little short into the wilderness.

In all, the English went on to more than double the Australian score, but more importantly The Quokkas started their season in a good spirit that is sure to carry them through.

A big thanks going out to Mr D Bradley for his help and advice, all who turned out (particularly Ivan and Dazzler as late Aussie entries) and in particular Mr and Mrs O’Donnel for their hospitality.

Quokkas run, season, come to an end

In a week that saw a multitude of sporting upsets and controversies in the FIFA (who?) World Cup, the biggest shocks of all were once again reserved for The Quokkas.

Not wanting to change the plot too much, their final game of the scheduled season once again came down to the final over, although there would be no-one to answer the call of heroism or take the charges.

The day had started well for most of The Quokkas that had survived the tour night out without being bull-whipped, arrested or consuming their body-weight in beer, leaving the rest to hold their heads and wonder.

The positives soon started though, with The Quokkas winning the race to have eleven on the ground, giving them the extra time to ‘gel’ and the ability to send the opposition in while the rest of their team arrived (take note; Salix CC).

More positives soon came with The Quokkas answer to Mathew Hoggard, Thug P, taking the first three wickets of the game for a combined total of 35 runs. He was, once again, ably support by Dac ‘The Attack’ Nguyen who unleashed some frightening pace that was combined with such accurate line and length that it had NASA researchers nodding their approval.

Some unusually tight work in the field kept the pressure on Wantage CC, particularly from Iain ‘The Egg’ Edwards, whose hands have now been classified as a national treasure.

Another clever change in the bowling from The Skip brought in Gav ‘The Hairdresser’ Slater who took three quick wickets to leave Wantage struggling at 7-70 after 20 overs and with only 10 more overs to face.

The introduction of ‘The Tweak’ though, changed everything as he dropped a dolly of a ‘caught and bowled’ chance that saw the Wantage batsmen breathe life into the scoreboard. This was best evidenced by The Tweaks own record of 15 runs in an over being threatened in just 3 balls that went for 14 runs.

The remaining bowlers had few questions that challenged the batsman, with the last 4 wickets putting on 97 runs to leave the Quokkas with another challenge.

The Quokkas response started well, despite Wantage unleashing two of the fastest bowlers that had been seen by Quokka eyes this season.

The Skip and The Mantis saw off the opening pair, bravely matching them although struggling to keep the run rate up. The Mantis’ premature dismissal brought a shock through The Quokkas on the sideline, who started questioning their own mortality for the first time this season.

Another quick wicket saw The Skip join The Mantis in the rooms, although he didnt seem so downcast once the offer of Parma ham and Port arrived.

Not giving up all hope, The Hairdresser looked deep inside his soul for inspiration and heard the voice of The Mantis of Christmas past say; “Just keep going fella”. Taking a lone hand, Gav saw a multitude of batting partners arrive and depart, although the notable exceptions of the Thug and The Skaff did keep the scoreman in employment.

The innings came down to requiring 20 runs off the last eight runs, but it wasnt to be with The Truth recording a Duck of the golden variety (undoing some flash work behind the stumps), The Tweak topping off an all-round appalling day by running out Gav, The Egg tonking himself out after a nice 4 and The Caveman putting in an appearance with his new helmet for the last ball of the innings.

Still, a great game was again recorded in The Quokkas annuals, and the rematch next year should be a doozy to compete with the 1989 VFL Grand Final.

The day was capped off with The Mantis taking home the 2006 Best and Fairest Award, finishing the season with an average of 73 after hitting 220 runs. Smithers was the pick of the bowlers for the year claiming 5 wickets in 3 matches at an average of 11.2.

I would go into further detail about various statistics, but the scorebook wasnt too well maintained for the last game so they are a little out of whack.

Regardless, a great year for The Quokkas and a big thanks must go to all The Quokkas and The Quokettes for the year.

Bring on 2007!

Quokkas defy God, Karma, Voodoo; win

In what can only be described as the most exciting win of an electrifying season, The Quokkas continued on their winning ways yesterday, snatching victory from the jaws of defeat in a game that had more variety than a bag of licorice all-sorts.

The day started with grim warning signs, black crows and cats being spotted on street corners and Transport for London conspiring to shut down any means of getting to the ground.

Regardless, the Skipper agreed to begin the game with only eight available players, allowing Salix CC to put on fourty quick runs off six overs.

The introduction of three players soon stopped the rot though, as the run rate dived and the Quokka machine started to roll. The pendulum swing was complete as the Skipper soon grabbed two quick wickets.

Following on from last weeks lessons, he began the bowling rotations which ended up bringing good wickets to The Skaff, The Egg, Smithers and The Tweak.

The greatest bowling change, though, came from the introduction of The Caveman who has thusfar been masquerading as an opening batsman. The folly of this move was soon shown as he took three quick wickets, including Salix’s best batsmen. His inswinging yorker that left the stumps all over the place was best described as having magnetic qualities.

Redemption seemed to be the theme of the Quokkas effort in the field, as Smithers also scored an electric run-out after dropping the only missed catch of the innings.

Going into the break, The Quokkas were feeling optimistic despite needing to better our best score to hit the 175 required to win.

The hopes for the innings soon deteriorated though, as Salix introduced the two fastest bowlers we have seen this season. It only got worse as The Caveman tried to take one bowler to ‘the well’ by using the pull shot, resulting in the ball careering into his face and sending him to the ground.

Play was stopped for sometime before The Caveman was on his feet again, resulting in all The Quokkas being more than a little unnerved - apart from The Caveman who laughed off his quickly expanding skull.

Responding to Mrs Mantis’ demands to wear a helmet, the Mantis waved an arm and insisted; “Next time they send one at my head, I’ll send it back at theirs!”. And thus, one of the great innings of our time began.

The Skaff joined The Mantis at the crease and after nearly being run-out for the second week in a row, settled in to see off the new bowlers. The Mantis was looking particularly daring, expanding on the three shots in his famous book of scoring.

The Skaffs initial good work was undone though, as he departed for 12 and brought The Skip to the crease. The Skip was obviously keen to get moving and he took little time in scoring, punishing the spinners in particular.

Again though, the early good work was soon undone and he was back in the pavillion with The Skaff, bringing the new-boy; Gav, to the crease.

A successful partnership ensued, with Gav eventually being snared by the earlier spinner who had been taken for 14 off one over. All hope was not lost though, as The Knock stepped out for his first game of the season, looking every bit the man of steel. It seemed that tin was the more appropriate metal though, as he was out first ball.

The Truth was next up, moving down from his spot at no. 3, although faring no better in also going out first ball and giving the previously-expensive spinner a hat-trick.

The scoreboard was now looking extremely shaky at 100 for 6 and not a lot in the batting stakes remaining. Smithers glided up to the crease, fresh from taking The Caveman to hospital but wasnt able to trouble the scorers, returning to the pavillion with a donut and sending The Egg out to attempt a similar cameo to the week before.

It wasnt to be though, as he was also soon back in the pavillion without getting off the mark.
It should be remembered that while this was going on, The Mantis was still taking runs off the other end and had long surpassed his half-century.

The introduction of Thug P to the crease was like the wind of change though, as he started in his inimitable fashion to hit out against anything put in front of him.

Victory seemed to be closing in when the Thug was controversially given out LBW with 14 needed for victory, bringing The Tweak limping to the crease for the first time this season.
After some initial troubles holding the bat, hitting the ball and running between wickets, The Tweak was able to relax enough to watch The Mantis hit the winning runs with a big 6 that saw him finish on 99 not out.

For the second week in a row euphoria broke out and heads shook as The Quokkas finished with an exciting win. It was mentioned earlier in the day that The Mantis resembles Steve Waugh in that he looks shaky but is actually a punisher of bowling. I rang Steve this morning and put this to him, to which he responded; “I had a career average of 50, The Mantis is on 100 - the figures don’t lie”.

And so, the votes for the Paul Turnock player of the year;

5 - The Mantis, 99 not out - was there from the beginning to end
4 - The Caveman, 3 wickets and a visit to hospital
3 - The Skip, break-through wickets and handy hitting
2 - Gav, great introduction
1 - The Tweak, suspect holding up an end

The Iain Edwards most courageous player award goes to The Caveman for reasons already mentioned.

The votes leaderboard therefore goes;
10 – The Mantis
10 – The Skip
7 – The Attack
5 – Smithers
4 - Caveman
2 – Nige
2 – The Truth
2 - Gav
1 - The Skaff
1 – The Egg
1 – The Tweak
Next week, Wantage CC and the final match of the season - come on you Quokkas 5-0!

Quokkas go 3 and 0!

The Quokka pty ltd. consortium rolls on.

After hearing the news of the Mantis’ century the week before, I received word from the London Scottish camp that they wouldn’t be putting a team out. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

This did give the Quokkas some time to regroup though, refreshing themselves in the only way they know. Highlights include The Cowboy drinking all the bitter in London before trying to impress the ladies with his leg stretches.

The next game up was against Tusmore CC, whose stately ground and genteel hospitality were a throwback to more civilized times. Not being of those times, The Quokkas were all somewhat shocked when they arrived at the Tusmore Manor, wondering if:

a) They had got the directions right; and

b) Whether the windows of the manor were secure.

Being sent in to bat first, the Skip showed scant regard for his hosts and gave The Caveman and The Mantis the call to arms. Unfortunately though, Thug P showed equally scant regard for reputation and gave The Mantis out LBW for nought. You could hear the children weeping.

Sam ‘The Truth’ Dunstan came out at three for some electricity but found himself shorted out by a yorker after some initial sparks. The Caveman joined him soon thereafter in the pavilion after some characteristic dour batting, leaving the Quokkas in some trouble with three wickets down for not thirty runs.

Once again though, the Skip produced a steadying innings, combining with Nige for a fifty-three run partnership on a strip that could only be described as ‘batsman hazardous’.

The loss of Nige, unluckily bowled by an off-spinner that could have turned voters, saw the start a mini-collapse with the Skip running out the Skaff for naught and Smithers also being baffled by some great spin.

As soon as the rut started though, it was ended with the introduction of Dac ‘The Attack’ Nguyen, who flayed twenty-six runs in quick time to help bolster the score. Dac was ably assisted by Thug P who pinch-hit a quick thirteen and Iain ‘The Egg’ Edwards, holding up the other end with a steady six.

A final score of one hundred and forty looked like it could be sufficient and the Quokkas went for there tea wearing a glow that had more to do with optimism than the afternoon sun.

The defence of the innings started well, with the Thug and Dac restricting the flow of runs and Thug even snaring one of the openers with a clever in-swinger.

The Skip then unleashed is tactical genius and started rotating the bowlers, giving almost all the Quokkas a trundle with devastating effect. Seven bowlers took wickets, including notable break-throughs from The Egg (with his ’steady and straight’ ball) and The Mantis who had revenge on his mind from the duck earlier.

The Truth had been steady behind the stumps all day, notably psyching out one young batsman with the introduction of The Tweak to the wicket, so surprised everyone when he dropped a sky ball off the Mantis. Thankfully, the Mantis was still angry and managed to sneak one through for a steady caught-behind.

Despite the steady loss of wickets and low run-rate, the Quokkas found themselves defending eleven runs with eleven balls to spare. Again, the Skips wisdom prevailed as he bowled himself and Smithers (match figures 9-3-22-4) at the death, taking the crucial wickets (and in the last instance, catch) to see out the victory.

The contrast between the Quokkas even-performance and the opulent grandeur of the grounds could not have been greater, and it made victory all the sweeter.

The votes:

5 - Smithers, for a game-winning bowling performance;

4 - The Attack, changing the match with aggressive batting and steady fast-bowling;

3 - The Skip, another steadying innings, inspired bowling changes and good in the field;

2 - Nige, good in the middle; and

1 - The Egg, one wicket down, seven to go…

The Iain Edwards bravery award going to Thug P for giving The Mantis out LBW.

The cumulative total for the Votes is:

7 - The Skip

7 - The Attack

5 - The Mantis

5 - Smithers

2 - Nige

2 - The Truth

1 - The Skaff

1 - The Egg

Next up, Salix CC…

Quokkas Win!

For the thousands of you that have been following The Quokkas C.C in its many incantations over the years, you will have been left as speechless and euphoric as I was on the afternoon of May 14 when they won their first outdoor match by a comprehensive six wickets.

Following up on the inter-club match (The Quokka ‘Ashes’ - which the Australians duly won) the week before, the lads took the mixed feelings of having won and lost to beat a real Cricket Club with a decent display of park Cricket.

The day started slowly, largely due to the opposition team being delayed by the now annual Chelsea Premiership Cup/Public Drunkenness display.

Once the game did get underway though, the signs were positive from the start for the Quokkas. The opening bowling combination of Paul ‘Thug P’ Viljoen and Dac ‘Dac’ Nguyen provided a mix of metronomic line and length with sheer aggression and pace.

Dac provided the first breakthrough, following up a particularly vicious bouncer with a yorker that had the batsman gladly returning to the pavilion. In absence of a pavilion, the batsman returned to the picnic blanket instead.

The incoming batsman was quick to make his presence felt at the crease, mostly because Sam ‘The Truth’ Dunstan (our trusted glove man and MC) couldn’t see past his girth.

The new batting partnership saw off the opening pair but struggled to capitalise on the first change combination of Nick ‘The Professor’ Metcalf and Robin ‘Skip’ Bradley, prodding about cautiously and showing some reluctance to change ends unless it was really necessary or pastries were on offer.

Some gibes from the good Rev D A ‘Tweak’ Nichols were not well received and resulted in one of The Professors ‘deceptively straight’ balls being smashed at The Tweaks head while he was fielding at silly mid-on. Only cat-like reflexes managed to save his Adonis like features, but obviously ruffled his normally iron will as he went for 32 runs off the next 3 overs.

Thankfully, Richard ‘Skaff’ Williams was on hand at the other end and managed to plunder their line-up with a couple of clever wickets and run-outs. Skip realised what a drain The Tweak was being and quickly replaced him with Smithers, who steadied the ship nicely.

The innings was closed with Geoff ‘The Mantis’ Kendrick and John ‘Caveman’ Costin warming their arms up ahead of matching the challenge of bettering 177 runs off 35 overs.

Not having made over 120 in a match before, or batting for more than 20 overs, this was quite a challenge for The Quokkas. Or so they thought.

The Mantis and The Caveman strode out like men with a purpose. The Caveman, more used to opening the bowling than the batting was getting set for a big innings of blocking out, while The Mantis was remembering the immortal words that the good Rev passed to him while on his way to another milestone (240 pounds worth of cocktails in 3 hours): “You only have three shots, so leave anything above the waist. Two more thanks waiter.”

All this intent was soon forgotten though, as The Caveman’s eyes uncharacteristically lit up at a loose piece of meat that he swung his club at. The result was a spooning catch to point and a return to the picnic rug to share the scorers duty with The Rev who was still recounting the story of his ‘nearly catch’.

Rob ‘Monty Burns’ was the next man in, although suffered a similar fate to The Caveman, heading back for a duck of the particularly golden variety. With a score line of 2/4 (thanks to a straight drive from The Mantis) The Quokkas were in trouble, no doubt.

All that changed with the arrival of the Skip at the crease, as he and The Mantis took the challenge back to the opposition. The Mantis discarded all advice that The Rev dispersed to him earlier (Mrs. Mantis will understand) as he started sweeping like a dustman, bringing up 15 runs in one over. This was a particular relief to The Rev, as he no longer had the most expensive over of the match.

The Mantis reached his half-century in fine style, with the crowd all standing to do ‘The Mantis’ pose and cheer. He obviously started tiring soon afterwards (again, Mrs. Mantis will understand) and the staunch Skip had a few words to help steady him.

Unfortunately these had no effect (is anyone else noticing a trend in the attention that The Mantis pays to advice?) as the next ball hit the stumps. Luckily for The Mantis, the bails stayed on (Superglue, $2.99 at your local hardware store - bowlers face, priceless) and he continued on his merry-sweeping way.

The crowd sat fixated on this partnership, which went on to post 163, largely as there was very little else to look at. Regardless, even passers-by stopped to marvel at The Mantis and his swashbuckling ways, although this is understandable; this being an age that is crying out for a hero.

And cometh the hour, cometh The Mantis, bringing up the maiden Quokka century in style and sending the crowd into scenes of wild Mantis-idolizing. Mark my words, a lot of babies were named ‘Geoff’ on the 15th of May.

The partnership was finally broken with The Mantis on 103, who was shortly joined by the Skip who had played a no-less important role in securing the victory. The Skaff and Dac were left to finish off proceedings, Dac surprising all by not trying to hit the required runs off 2 balls and playing defensive shots, leaving The Skaff to straight drive The Quokkas to victory.

An excellent effort by all concerned, particularly the wives and girlfriends who not only made excellent teas and cakes, but proved that The Quokkas do have sex appeal.

Finally, the votes for the Paul Turnock best player award:

5 - The Mantis

4 - The Skip

3 - Dac

2 - The Truth (awesome work behind the sticks in his first game)

1 - The Skaff

Apologies to Thug P and Smithers

And the Ian Edwards Bravery Award for the match goes to The Rev, for the cat-like stop. For details of the stop, just ask The Rev.