• Man alive I hate the commentary team on Channel 9.

    In terms of undermining what there is to love about cricket – even in this day and age – this is a group of (exclusively) men who never fail to relentlessly suck the joy out of all that I still think I hold dear.

    This is mostly because
    A) Michael Slater
    B) Michael Vaughan


    C-Z) Warnie

    Seriously. Fuck Warnie.

    On a Sunday, at some distance past, the Quokkas ( o noble brethren ) played the Dan O’Connell Hotel ( the hated ).

    Leaving aside the fact of 11 Quokkas taking on roughly 267 Dans, this was an even contest played in some kind of spirit.

    The Quokkas fielded first, and with impeccability. Skill, enthusiasm and a willingness to continue being positive in the face of the Dan racking up sixes as if they were available team members.

    In terms of cohesiveness, this was a performance in the field that I feel privileged to have witnessed and been a part of. Thank you Quokkas.

    Ed bowled people out, Jay and Snip got just desserts, catches held and Dutchy took two in two (and then didn’t get another bowl. Why should he, I say…).

    Also, Gaz got a few laughs out of Roleys debilitating back injury

    Also, Gaz got a few laughs out of Roleys debilitating back injury

    The Quokkas were left chasing a total that would have been respectable at the 1987 World Cup and we tried hard.

    The thing about hope is that it is invariably crushed beneath the inexorable advance of reality. And so it was with the Quokkas  chase.

    Credit must go to Snipper and Dutchy for their efforts, particularly Dutch. He scored an absurd amount of runs. Closer to 100 than 30.

    (Which is, coincidentally, the same number of fielders made available by their opponents.)

    The Dan won, in the end. And comfortably.

    But ask yourself – did they really WIN?

  • Match Preview: Gasometer Quokkas v The HATED Dan

    Match Facts:

    Alfred Crescent Oval,

    Edinburgh Gardens,


    Time: 1pm start

    The Big Picture:

    The Quokkas have returned from their not-so-triumphant tour of their spiritual home having chalked up their first loss from the season. Given that their record against the HATED Dan is far from impressive, it’s a good bet that the ledger will be balanced by Sunday evening.

    The last time these two teams played, 2 seasons ago, The DAN helped themselves to over 230 runs while The Quokkas could only manage 148 in reply. The day was notable for being stinking hot and hazy, as well as Snipper taking one of the greatest catches of all time; initially running in one direction, before sprinting back in the opposite direction and diving to catch the ball millimetres from the ground.

    One can only hope that The Quokkas can start holding normal catches too.

    Form Guide:

    The Quokkas returned to form last week, losing their tour match on Rottnest Island. Notably, the other side hadn’t played a game in ten years and the Man of The Match had never played a game in his life.

    Go Quokkas.

    The form of the Dan is unknown, largely because I cant be bothered looking up their results. Im assuming they aren’t getting beaten by teams that don’t play regularly, or smashed for 25 in an over by a bloke whose never played before.


    In the Spotlight:

    LOCAL makes his long-awaited return to the team, this being his first game of the season. He is marking his return by Captaining this game, so we look forward to his taciturn and disappointed stares at us at regular intervals.

    And this

    And this

    Team News:

    The Quokkas continue their bizarre season of having excess numbers available for games, though we are (as always) expecting last minute changes.

    The XI (at the time of writing) is:

    1. James Gow
    2. Roley
    3. Chef
    4. Local (c)
    5. J Rod
    6. Big Dog
    7. Gaz
    8. Stewart Denmead
    9. Dutchy
    10. Snipper
    11. Ed
    12. Jay
    13. The Rev

    Pitch and Conditions:

    The nano-sized Alfred Crescent Oval is always a favorite for batsmen and less so for people having picnics. Melbourne is doing its thing at the moment, starting the week with temperatures in the mid-30s before turning to lightning and storms, then calming down to a more civilised 26 degrees on Sunday.

    Stats and Trivia:

    • This will be Locals 30th total appearance for The Quokkas and he is only 26 runs away from 300 for his YPCA career
    • Chef is on 239 career runs and averages 23.9 per innings, so should crack the 250 in the first over faced
    • Snippers last innings, his 14th, was also the 8th time he has finished not out – helping lift his average to 57.33. Mark Waugh: he is definitely unavailable to play for Australia, I believe S44 rules him out
    • J Rods enigmatic bowling could hold a key to success, he goes for a miserly 5.78 runs per over and is one wicket away from 20 career wickets (6th highest overall)
  • From Captain Chef…

    Our Quokkas. Whose spawned by Reverend.
    Mellowed by the Game.
    Their Kingdom undone.
    Still managed fun, on Earth
    (Hated) Dan O’Connell brethren.

    D-game display our swollen head.
    And forgive us our dropped catches.
    As we forgive those who score heavily against us.

    For they bled us not of elation.
    Our bats weak from weevil.
    Beer and wine is our kingdom,
    Underpowered, but what stories,
    For catches win matches.


  • Match Preview: Quokkas CC v The ‘HATED’ Dan O’Connell CC

    Match Facts:

    Sunday, December 6th

    WT Peterson Oval,

    Edinburgh Gardens, Fitzroy





    The Big Picture:

    This match will be the last YPCA game for 2015 for the Quokkas, which is possibly a good things as they have shown much better form in T20 matches this summer (against Nerrena CC and the VDCA).


    Perhaps 5 overs is a bridge too far for the highly trained athletes in maroon.


    While the Quokkas will be looking to carry their good form from the last month into this game, they are up against a formidable opponent on an unforgiving, big ground.


    Form Guide:

    The Quokkas are coming off their first win in a while and a 1-run loss against a State-representative side.


    The DOCCC, on the other hand, are the reigning BDNO winners so should romp this in.




    In the Spotlight:

    Jazzron returns to the Quokkas for his first game after a 3-4 year absence. The man in bizarre hats and Hawaiian shirts may not have had a bat in his hand for a while, but there is little doubt he knows what to do with a can of beer in it.


    Jim comes back into the side after some time spent on the road, no doubt being inspired for some new songs.


    Team News:

    The selection merry-go-round was well and truly in force this week, with Tuesday dropping out of the original selected XI on Tuesday, the normal mad scramble occurring, then Jam Boy (Bowl’ens brother in law) confirming availability.


    The Selected XI at the time of writing is:

    1. Snipper
    2. Jay
    3. Dutchy
    4. Radar
    5. Jazzron
    6. Bowl’en
    7. J Rod
    8. Chef (c)
    9. Jam Boy
    10. Local
    11. Jim

    Pitch and Conditions

    WT Peterson Oval is something of a mirage. It looks like a true pitch, accompanied by its splendid grandstand and other remnants from the early 20th Century, but really it’s a road with big boundaries.


    Big scores can be hard to come by at this ground, while there is little reprieve from the hot sun.


    Its going to be a stinker of a day on Sunday, 31 degrees with little relief, so tough going for the team that fields first (The Quokkas).


    Stats and Trivia:

    • Jim brings with him a RPO average of 6.6 and a batting average of 42, both of which will be welcome for this game
    • This will be Jazzrons 10th match for the Quokkas, he has a batting average of 20 and a bowling…well, the less said the better
    • Radar is back into the side after his delayed honeymoon, this will be his 24th YPCA match for the Quokkas, which will move him onto equal 7th for all-time appearances




  • From Captain J Rod


    It was the day after Radar’s wedding and we were expecting some wounded warriors for our clash with the recently crowned BDNO Champions; the “Hated Dan”.

    As captain for this match, I was hoping to see the DOCC boys still hung-over from their recent triumph and we could come away with the win.

    We were batting first, and with the Dan only having 8 players on the field I thought we would start with with a couple of quick retirements from our openers Ed & Dutchy.

    It seemed that the less players the Dan had the slower our run rate. Chef & Local even offered to field for the BDNO Champions, but this was quickly rejected be they Dan (it seems they may have seen the Quokkas performance in the field).

    Soon after the Dan had a few more players turn up and finally had 11 players on the field. It was at this point that Ed & Dutchy finally started making some runs & with both openers retiring soon after, we were looking in good shape.

    Snipper with the best average in the team this season and the newly-Wed Radar quickly came & went, which had the Skipper (J-Rod) walking out to join Local, fresh from his first retirement score the week before.

    Local got a quick fire 10 before being caught going for another big shot.

    This had the fired up and freshly (more) inked Tuesday out to join the captain.

    The plan was clear; let’s get quick runs. Even though it seemed like slow hard work, we built a partnership of 48 runs from the next 6 and a bit overs. The partnership came to and end with Tuesday getting caught on the boundary, with J Rod caught the same way a few balls later.

    With a couple of overs to go, we had the big hitting Robbo and new recruit Keegs come in.  Keegs blasted 19 off 7 balls, with a couple of massive sixes; one landed on the roof of the sheds which we were all kinda hoping would smash a window for a bit of extra drama.

    At the BBQ break the Quokkas were feeling confident with 163 on the board.

    After a nice BBQ with Radar and family, the Quokkas started off very well with the ball. Snipper started with 2 dot balls… Then things changed…
    …it seemed like Deja Vu all over again with the Dan’s openers blasting 50 runs off the next 2 and a half overs and with only 1 wicket. This came from Robbo who ended the innings of their big hitting opener (finished with 37 off 12 balls).

    With a well planned strategic retirement of their second opener, the runs started to slow.

    On came Chef who was well rested from not having to bat. Golden arm Chef had instant success taking a wicket with his 2nd ball. He finished his first over with 1/4.

    Alex was next to bowl, his long awaited return to the Quokkas started with a wicket from his first ball, and followed that up with 5 dots balls. A wicket maiden. Welcome back!

    Next was Tuesday who had a nice spell and finished the last over before drinks with 0/4.

    At the drinks break, we checked the score and discovered the Dan were 114. With 50 runs of 13 overs, it wasn’t looking good for the Quokkas. But with some romance in the air left over from Mr & Mrs Radars wedding, could a miracle happen? (The dark rain clouds were closing in.)

    After drinks, the spin twins of Ed and JRod came on. Ed went for a miserly 3 runs off his first over. JRod with 2 wickets in his 2nd game back as a spinner/slow bowler. Both caught behind the stumps with an awesome catch at slips by Ed about a metre above his head, and a great take by Tuesday with the gloves.
    With our 4 overs we had 2/17 and the Dan were now 5/133.

    The game was now in the balance, the Dan need 31 runs from 9 overs. We only need 5 wickets. We could almost taste victory. (Plus we has a secret weapon.)

    Bring on Aramis.. Our American friend over for Radars wedding was next to take the ball. With a different style and a slightly bent arm, he had very respectable 4 runs taken off his first 5 balls. Then with his last ball he put it right in the strike zone which was sent over the fence for a home run!

    With only a handful of runs needed, the Dan quickly finished the game so we could all get out of the heat and head back the the Dan O’Connell for a few cold drinks.

    With a great game had by all, and a mighty fine effort for the last 2 games by Aramis, the Quokkas presented him with the match ball to take back with him to the USA.

    Big congratulations to Radar and his new Bride on their wedding, and his family for coming down for support.

  • On Sunday the Quokkas took on The Hated Dan O’Connell Hotel on the lush Fairlea West Oval, Yarra Bend Park.

    First and foremost it must be said that Sunday was a victory for cricket, in the sense that the game of cricket is infinitely richer for not bearing any resemblance to whatever it was that was played by the Quokkas on Sunday afternoon.

    Led for the first time by Local, the day got off to an ignominious start when it was discovered that no one had organised paper plates and sauces for the bbq. Choosing  to ignore that we live in a world which is connected by more devices, networks and communication tools than at any other time in history, both Local and Big Dog decided to go it alone and get the plates etc. themselves without further consultation. The Quokkas are now well stocked for sauces and paper plates.
    The Quokkas opened the batting with Dutchy and Joe, both of whom negotiated some tricky swing and movement form the Dan’s fast men to quickly begin laying the foundations of a good innings. Knowing that the Quokkas had failed to defend 150ish on this same ground several weeks earlier, both batsmen appeared determined to score quickly and heavily. And despite the fact that appearances can sometimes be deceptive, they both succeeded. Dutchy was first to reach retirement, making 35 well-struck runs, followed soon after by the un-Quokkaly talented Joe.
    They were replaced at the crease by first Cupsy and then – in a move that had surprised no one more than the man himself – Shotgun. It seemed Local was prepared to make bold and/or uninformed captaincy decisions at any moment.
    Cupsy opened his account with a boundary and never looked back, and the Quokkas went to the drinks break at 0/90ish. Bold predictions were being made amid much back-slapping. Pup raised the possibility of 200+, and at this stage who could deny a young man a dream? The Quokkas were flying, with batsmen in the shed and the runs coming – for the most part – easily.
    Shotgun began his innings a little more unsteadily than Cupsy had, with some dots on the scorecard that didn’t do justice to the kind of airy swings that they represented. However, he too started to find a rhythm, and by the time Cupsy had played his part and retired off a crisp 32 there was a feeling in the air that we might all be about to see something very special indeed.
    Not from JRod though, unfortunately coming and going without troubling the scorers on this occasion and bringing Pup to the crease for his usual solid contribution.
    The main event was unfolding at the other end however, as Shotgun began to act like his namesake, scattering the ball to all corners of the ground, including two hits that cleared the rope. By the time Pup had been replaced by Big Dog, Shotgun was approaching 30 and a well-earned retirement. It was a big innings that had the crowd on their feet.
    After Shotgun’s departure the innings progressed amiably towards its close, aside from one moment when Big Dog was nearly cleaned up by a beamer that seemed to follow his head as he took rapid (and thankfully successful) evasive  action. He, Local, Morts, Rainsy and Ed managed to drag the innings to 179 after 25 overs, a respectable target that had everyone feeling quietly confident as they enjoyed a beer and Dutchy’s excellent BBQ.
    The ground at Fairlea West can be described in many ways, most of which will rely on some variance of the words ‘dry’ and ‘hard’ to best create an accurate impression, and one of its key features is that any ball which is struck with force – or indeed without it – can run quickly to the boundary unless stopped by a well-placed fielder.
    This critical element was however lacking in the Quokkas bowling efforts up to the drinks break, as balls flew merrily into every available gap, stopped only on one occasion by a spectacular sliding effort from Joe which also ensured that there will forever be a small part of this not-so-foreign field that is forever Quokka (and that Joe may be limping all week).
    The confidence that had begun the fielding innings was starting to flag, but then Ed gave an inspirational speech at drinks which can be summed up as “we’re fucked”. With these stirring words spurring the Quokkas on, they turned the screws and started to dry up the boundaries, piling on the pressure until breaking through for their first wicket of the day, a nifty piece of glovework from Pup off Rainsy, in only the 18th over. The faintest hint of hope still glimmered and when Local improbably held a catch off Dutchy in the 20th the Quokkas had their tails up again.
    Unfortunately, the Quokkas also could not see the score at that point, and whatever momentum had been gained was quickly undone when – two runs later – the scorers called out to their batsmen to start shaking hands with the losing team.
    It wasn’t meant to be. Or – less fatalistically and more realistically – the Quokkas let a good chance to snare a win go through some loose bowling and fielding. Credit must go to the Dan also for some fantastic hitting, especially at the top of the order.
    However, the early finish in the 20th over meant an early trip to the Dan O’Connell for beers, which was well-attended by both teams, and the game was played in great spirit despite the result.
    Well done to all the Quokka batsmen who reached retirement, and thanks to everyone for turning out to play, it was a good afternoon out on the park.
  • “I don’t play for this team to win. I play to have a bit of f**king fun”

    Never has the intent of the Quokkas been better summed up. Not all opponents we come across get the ‘spirit of pub cricket’ but the boys from the Dan O’Connell sure do. We like playing them so much we have taken to ironically calling them the HATED Dan.

    We encountered a late switch of venue from the postage stamp at the Kevin Bartlett Oval to the far more picturesque Burnley Oval. After some initial confusion from the hordes making their way across the City of Yarra this was greeted with general approval and by the end of the day plans were under way to switch the Curto family grudge match to the same venue.

    The Dan took their good nature a little too far by only turning up with 7 players for our last scheduled regular season game. We offered to let them bat as they tried to drum up a few last minute replacements and congratulated ourselves on the impending victory when we had them 3-15 in the first 5 overs. Emu, Phantom, Paris and Cruiser (an Emu recruit from the Proteas via Moorabbin Park) got the bowling off to a fine start.

    Captain Big Dog rung the changes with one over bowling spells the order of the day. At drinks the Dan were 5-63 but as has been common this season we relaxed after drinks and the Dan had a middle order revival, a retiree and boosted their numbers to nine. We took our good nature a little too far when we gave them our new recruit Freo Mike to bat at the end and he promptly hoisted his free hit for six before scrambling a couple of leg byes.

    Somewhere in here Rev had a hissy fit in the process of getting hit for 3 successive fours that seemed to be everyone’s fault except his. He particularly seemed to direct his ire at his mild-mannered captain; the poor, defenceless, hard-working Big Dog. There were knowing looks from those who Paris had told earlier in the season of Rev’s teenage anger management issues and the real reasons behind why he was sent to London.

    We finished with 8 wickets and the stylish Gladys took 4 of those behind the timbers. Emu and Phantom finished with two each with Cruiser, Paris, Rev and Bad Boy each picking up one. There were calls to only let Bad Boy play after a bucks night as he rolled back the years with a hangover/fiery bowling duet just like he used to. Having restricted the Dan to 135 we were confident of knocking them off. You can see what’s coming next.

    The delay with the food at the break, a lack of coleslaw on offer and the hot weather combined to undo our batting effort. Rowdy and Bad Boy opened up and after clubbing 10 off the first over they combined to run our Bad Boy with a direct hit off a risky single. Dutchy clubbed his free hit for 6 over the left centre-field fence but Rowdy departed shortly afterwards and Big Dog’s post-Xmas form slump continued and the only trouble to the scorers was recording 7 dot balls.

    Gladys and Rev came and went for a pleasingly symmetrical (though unhelpful) 7 each to leave us 5 wickets down and the run rate heading skywards. Dutchy top scored with 29 but was determined not to save anything to come back in at the end. In his own words “All bets were off as he sent down an absolute pie and I proceeded to loft it straight down the throat of midwicket”.

    Emu and Phantom built our best partnership of the day and then captain Tom of the Dan offered us a lifeline by putting Rev on to bowl. This was all too much for Emu who already had some conspiracy theory about the Dan and their ever-changing team line up. He edged behind in the next over and as he seemed to be the only person in the suburb that hadn’t heard it he stood there all David Warner style waiting to be given out. We continued our generosity to the Dan by offering them two substitute fielders from our ranks and Gladys upped his catches for the day tally by catching Cruiser for 1.

    J-Rod and Paris brought proceedings to a close as we crumbled to all out for 97. A defeat in pub cricket is always less important than the spirit you play the game in. The Dan even wanted to muscle in on our love affair with the John Curtin and suggested a tri-series. In any case visiting a pub like the Dan O’Connell after a loss never feels like a consolation prize. Big Dog was spotted there late at night staring into his Thunder Road Pale Ale and wondering if he would ever captain a winning side, or take another wicket, or hold onto a catch, or even score another run…

  • And so it came to pass…

    The three wise men came from the East(ern suburbs) in search of the new-born Messiah. The found something better on Heidelberg Road near the Clifton Hill overpass where they witnessed the advent of cricket incompetency as the Quokkas once again conspired to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. The three were last seen holding a snag in bread and a can of Melbourne Bitter, gazing into the western evening sky and talking about a Rev?

    Having opted to field in order to give opposition (the hated Dan!) a chance to find a spare public BBQ amongst the families and Xmas parties in Fairfield Park the Quokkas bowlers continued in the same wicketless way that they had finished the previous game. The opening pair of Bad Boy and Rev were accurate and although Radar and Mo gave away very few runs no early poles were disturbed. Marty made the breakthrough but the Dan were 1-60 at the drinks break.

    There were a few choice pieces of advice given over the course of the day including ‘More catching & less drumming’ for our ARIA nominated muso. But the one that got the Quokka fielders chortling most was the classic piece of own team sledging from the Dan team mate umpiring at square leg to a hesitant batsman contemplating a single ‘RUN, you f**khead!’

    Rowdy bowled beautifully and picked up a couple for his efforts whilst supersub Emu and J-Bomb took one each. But a few dropped catches combined with the sluggish effort in the field gave the general feeling that we really hadn’t done our best. Nevertheless, the consensus at the break was that a total of 6-147 could certainly be chased down if we could just keep our heads and bat sensibly.

    Yeah, about that……

    Emu and Radar got us off to a flying start and after 6 overs we had 51 on the board. A clatter of wickets followed with Emu (slogging having just got to his 30), Dutchy (quack, quack) and Rowdy (he can actually bat!) being most culpable. J-Bomb and Big Dog steadied the ship at 6 down without troubling the scorers too much and then a 46 partnership between Curto and Big Dog was a combination of good luck and Curto sneaking singles by yelling at BD to ‘Push, Harder, Push’. Perhaps the heavily pregnant Mrs Rev could benefit from such sage advice!

    We ran out of overs at 9-136. So Big Dog maintains his 100% loss record as captain but back at the pub had a grin as wide as the Cheshire Cat with his previously unheard of accumulation of 35 runs unbeaten. A triumph of stubbornness over ability but alas, too little too late to stop the Quokkas sliding into the holiday season with an 11 run defeat. Actually back at the pub we found we didn’t hate the Dan at all and they are a great bunch of blokes in the spirit of Yarra pub cricket.

    But what a story Curto had to tell on the Monday morning when his work mate posed his regular enquiry of ‘Ahhh, So how did the Big Dog go yesterday?’

  • Match Facts:

    LiV Quokkas v The HATED Dan O’Connell



    Fairfield Park, Fairfield

    The Big Picture:

    After fielding arguably their strongest team yet and hitting a blistering 155 in the first innings of their last game, the Quokkas were unable to defend the total, only taking 1 wicket for the match.

    If ever there was a reason to get angry and attack the sticks it is this: a match against their mortal and bitter and mortal enemy – The Dan O’Connell.  Some Quokkas may fondly remember the last time these two mortal and bitter and mortal enemies locked horns, with only the opening of the heavens saving the Dan from an inevitable Quokka victory and nudey run around the boundary.  Thank god for rain.

    This game also presents the Quokkas with the ability to go into the xmas break with a 50:50 record and a nice victory to talk endlessly about on the 25th.

    Form Guide:

    Quokkas: W-LL

    Watch out for:

    §  Big Dog – Big Dog is Captain for this game. The Big Dog was instrumental against the Dan in last years game, taking 2 key wickets.  He is also only 8 runs away from 50 career runs with the Quokkas;

    Team News:

    §  For the first time this year, there are no debutants and plenty to choose from;

    §  Following on from the confusion, consternation and general contemplation of the score last week, we welcome back our beloved Sarina to take care of the mighty pen;

    Quokkas (possible)

    1.       Emu

    2.       Big Dog (c)

    3.       Dutchy

    4.       Radar

    5.       J Bomb

    6.       Robbo

    7.       Mo

    8.       Marty

    9.   Curto

    10.   Rowdy

    11.   Rev

    13.   Bad Boy (enigma )


Recent Comments

  • Strong.
  • Proper swing bowling that was. Pitch it up.
  • Fabulous article which made us smile in the Spanish sunshine...
  • You forgot to mention Harry getting to bowl an over aswell. ...
  • Please see point 5.