Quokkas C.C.

Quokkas barbershop quintet begins. Badly.

Looking to spice up the off-season and develop some team bondindification, as well as work on the team song, The Quokkas started up their own barbershop quintet recently to much acclaim.

Shows were quickly booked in venues such as ‘The Duck’ in Rotherham, ‘The Red Lion’ in Winkleston and the ‘Stars in their Irises’ night at ‘The Turtles Back’ in Donnington.

After all the pizazz though, showtime quickly arrived and the boys quickly showed their true colours (see photo).

The rest of the tour was quickly cancelled.

And yes. The Rev did make off with the glass.

The Quokkas Night of Nights!

After a season interrupted by rain and clouds, the Quokkas season came to a close on Friday October 12 at the inaugural Quokkas Best and Fairest presentation night in a shower of light and glitz.

After a customary slow start, the attendees arrived in their finery and quickly got stuck-in to the 2-for-1 drink specials. These were doubly appreciated as The Revs summation of the season began.

Each game of the season was reviewed, with highlights and votes being announced. Applause was particularly raucous when votes were distributed to the newer members of the team such as Robert the Bruce and PJ.

The ‘smaller’ awards were presented in between rounds, with Smithers presenting his Champagne Moment to himself, The Egg presenting the Bravery Award to The Rev and Thug P’s best heckle award going to The Rage.

The highlight of the evening, though, was the presentation of The Quokkas Best & Fairest Award, which deservedly went to Dac ‘The Attack’ Nguyen for his amazing season.

Congratulations to The Attack for a destructive year, as well as all the winners and Quokkas, here’s looking forward to a great season in 2008!

Breaking News: Quokkas and New York Mets in transfer scandal!

New York – The sighting of The Quokkas spiritual leader, The Rev, and newest lower-order sensation, Slick, at the recent New York Mets game at Shea Stadium has sent Baseball and (very) amateur cricket news services into a frenzy.

With both shunning reporters before leaving the stadium, it was left to those close to them to speculate on what their presence meant.

“The Rev seemed particularly interested in one of the Mets batters” one observer said, “although I think he was actually just pointing towards the bar”.

Speculation has been rife about a major shake-up of The Quokkas since the success of ‘The Canadian Project’ (aka. the introduction of Robert ‘The’ Bruce) and this latest sighting will do nothing to quell rumours.

The presence of Slick at the ground could perhaps be explained by his ability to give advice on the transfer market, or perhaps his own interest in joining the Mets. When pressed on the subject though, he only replied “my only purpose is to serve The Quokkas however I can, which, at the moment, involves getting hot dogs for The Rev”.

More to follow.

QNN - The Quokkas News Service.

Dear Quokkmen and Quokkettes,

Congratulations and well done on an excellent season. You all have, without doubt, been an inspiration to me despite my unfortunate geography and not seeing any of your games. Huzzah!

I have the honour of passing on a few hors d’ouvres of information. Experts of anti-non-dealphabetisation will be aware that this list is numerical order.

1. The Quokkas now have a network on Facebook. For the uninitiated, Facebook is a social networking site where Emos are not given permission to join.

2.If you require a new Quokkas jersey because you’re like me, and refuse to wear anything more than once, contact the Rev. He’s just bought a Chinese sweatshop, and his employees only have enough work for 25 hours of the day.

3. Quokkas presentation night is on October 12th. The Rev needs to know how much gin, and how little vermouth he requires to make the affair a success. Respondez s’il yoplait the Rev.

Yours in Quokkanisation,

Lord Waygood.

Quokkas season comes to an end, consistency prevails

Following on from the form of 2006, The Quokkas had managed (to this point) to fight out close victories in the face of injuries, dynamic team selection and highly questionable form.
Our last match of this year, against The Whalers, was obviously our bridge too far, with The Quokkas being comprehensively found out.

After meandering to the wonderful suburb of Dulwich, The Quokkas were a little underwhelmed by the pitch. A good one for batsman, to be sure, which was quite unfortunate as we had a strong bowling line-up.

The next stroke of luck came when the new captain for the day, The Rev, lost the toss and was duly asked to field. Thankfully, the rest of The Quokkas were there to help him out.

Specifically; The Fatman, Smithers and Slingy were all firing them in early – restricting the Whalers from scoring without getting the rewards with the wickets. They weren’t helped by the field, who went on to drop seven or eight catches for the day (depending on your definition of a chance).

This wasn’t always the case though, with The Express hanging on to a running blinder in the deep, The Mantis running out one of the openers and The Bruce holding on to a sharp catch as well as providing plenty of baseball banter that was unintelligible to all.

A rotation of the bowlers did bring some break-through, with PJ providing some particularly solid (if unrewarded) overs in the middle-overs. The re-introduction of Slingy and Fatman helped see the wickets fall, though The Whalers had upped the run-rate with the last two overs going for 30-odd.

The Quokkas trudged back to the pavilion for the innings-break facing a daunting total of 151 on a pitch that would only bring delight to a member of the ‘Backyard Blitz’ team.

The bumpy surface showed its nature early, with The Rev being bowled by one that pitched behind his legs before hitting *something* and turning 90 degrees to take out leg-stump. The Mantis was also baffled early and similarly bowled before being followed to the pavilion by The Express and PJ for donuts.

Thankfully, the Hairdresser was not about to let the season be a loss and started putting the bowlers through a full shampoo and dye, hitting over the top at will and clipping quick singles.

He was complemented at the other end by the newest of Quokkas, Joe “The Rage” Warren-Meakes, who put a great price on his wicket and was rewarded for it with a top-score of 27.

The untimely end of The Hairdresser saw the introduction of Slick, Robert The Bruce and Slingy, who all put up brave resistance and started something of a revival that had the sidelines all aflutter. The Bruce and Slingy being particularly effective at scurrying singles off the spinners.

The Bruce eventually fell though, bringing the (now) one-legged Smithers to bat with The Rev as his runner. Enthusiasm may count for something, but there is no accounting for taste.

After Smithers found the boundary early, Slingy and The Rev managed to dash through a couple more before The Whalers made the break-through to end it all. A real credit to The Quokkas tail, and possibly something of a positive to take into the next season.

Until then, there will be some nets organised and a new schedule to fill and we look forward to reporting to you all until then.

Stay tuned for these updates, and that from the Presentation Night, as well as many more…

The Iain Edwards Bravery Award

Undoubtedly goes to Smithers for coming in at XI despite having one knee and remaining not out at the end of the day.

The Andrew Smith Champagne Moment

Many contenders for this award, including;

*The plethora of dropped catches
*The Rev waving a ball past him on its way to the boundary
*PJ joining the rest of the team on the sidelines after the match, and his nap, to inquire about what he’d missed

But the winner would have to go to Joe “The Rage” Warren-Meakes who managed to out-congratulate (and thereby confuse) the Whalers own bowlers while he was on and off the strike

The return of the Skip

I have been receiving a lot of mail throughout the season regarding The Quokkas and their apparent link to a mysterious ‘life force’ that appears to help them through all their tight matches to victory and went conspicuously missing in Paris (a notorious hive for the ‘dark side’). While not being in a position to comment, I am going to have to admit that the evidence is becoming overwhelming. Are the Quokkas Jedis? Perhaps.

The latest piece of evidence for the affirmative came on the weekend when The Skip returned to The Quokkas colours to guide the team to victory, much like Skywalker (L) and his return to bring peace to the galaxy.

Arriving in Cookham, one of the loveliest grounds seen by our army, The Quokkas immediately fell into something of a relaxed-funk; their senses being dulled by the lush surroundings, fresh memories of their last victory with ten men and inside knowledge from The Hairdresser that Cookham CC weren’t much to contend with.

They were soon ripped from their daydream after The Skip sent The Quokkas in and Cookhams opening bowlers started spraying The Mantis and The Rev with swinging bouncers. It was then that the force started to kick in, with the brave openers beginning to find their groove before The Rev fell foul of a dubious LBW decision that came straight from the Dark Side. It does prey on the weak-minded.

The newly promoted Egg soon followed The Rev back to the pavillion, as did the new hope; The Bushranger. This brought about the return of The Skipper, sabre in hand and strong in the force. Combined with The Mantis, The Quokkas soon built a strong platform with swashbuckling strokes from the Mantis and the Skip piercing the field with regularity despite more hostile bowling until The Mantis’ defence was eventually breached.

Using the power of the good side, the Quokkas middle order built an unusual resistance, with our player from a universe far, far away (Robert ‘the’ Bruce of Canadia) supporting the Skip before falling to a baseball hook. The Skaff and PJ then combined to help the scoreboard ticking over, with PJ in particular showing how to swing the sword in bringing up a 59-run partnership for the 7th wicket.

Feeling a presence he had not felt since…2006, The Skip suddenly lost his guard and his wicket for 89 runs. No nervous 90’s for him. The tail did admirably to take the total to 193, a Quokka record, with the African connection of Carel ‘Asbo’ Venter, Thug P and Smithers all shouldering the burden. In the case of Asbo this was more using once arse then force.

Being slightly stunned at their score, the Quokkas were again soon woken from their slumber with their first ball which was smashed for six back to London. Settling into a rhythm though, the Thug was soon keeping a tight line and Smithers (possibly returning from the dark side) had their 6-smashing opener trapped LBW. Thug then had the other opener caught by a Russell Robertson impersonating Rev, and then their dangerous number 3 by The Skip in what was possibly the catch of the year. Strong in the force, he is.

Cookham were not about to let up though and their middle-order started finding the boundary with ease. Their left-hander, Nunn, gave the bowlers plenty to worry about until the Skip stepped in to do all the work himself with a handy caught and bowled using the old Jedi off-spin trick. Still, more was needed and the introduction of the out-of-confidence Egg proved the breakthrough, with 2 wickets falling for only 16 runs off 4 overs.

The perseverance of PJ coming in up the hill from the pavillion end also paid off, bowling one through the gate after some particularly helpful chirping from the Thug leading the chorus in ‘catchers corridor’.

The rest was left to The Skaff, who after a strong showing with the bat and the field came in with some speedy and accurate bowling to clean bowl The Hairdressers brother and ‘do a Bradley’ in pulling out a Caught and Bowled to remove their number 9 and wrap-up the match with 12 runs to spare.

Well done to all the lads for their contributions, particularly to the Thug in his comeback and Asbo for fitting right in at the last minute.

As a final point, the votes will longer be broadcast so as to keep a little more anticipation regarding presentation night. We will however, be broadcasting:

The Iain Edwards Bravery award
Which goes to Robert the Bruce for filling in so admirably with the gloves. The team has voted that he continue on in this role & hope he is a follower of democracy. Those baseball trousers though? Not too many votes there.

The Andrew Smith Champagne Moment
A few possibilities here between The Bushranger dropping an identical catch to the one against Wantage, ‘the huddle’, Asbo using his arse as a bat, The Revs screamer and the Thugs chirping - but it has to go to The Skip for an outstanding catch at first slip.

Quokkas smash record against Tusmore…by 2

In a summer that has produced few bright spots, the Quokkas seized the opportunity of a day without rain to take to the field. Contained within the Tusmore estate, the Quokkas provided the good people of Britain with a display of fine skill and sportsmanship.

For the initiated, Tusmore park is one of the richest private estates in Britain and has possibly the best ground the Quokkas have been privileged to tred, though this years pitch had changed due to the recent floods into what might (at best) be called ‘damp’.

With memories of last years match in which he went out to a controversial LBW decision, the Mantis obviously had a point to prove, smashing out from the start. Not wanting to let the hoodoo of the ‘Tusmore openers duck’ drop, the Rev obliged in his comeback game, prodding at the first ball to roll at him with his front foot and being given and LBW of his own.

Promoted to number three, Ivan ‘The Terrible’ Fam was obviously in awe of The Rev and not wanting to make him look like a fool, also fell to the first ball that came his way.

Walking out on a hat-trick, The Hairdresser managed to fend off a couple of balls, but the only trouble he gave the scorer was filling out the ‘fall of wicket’ column a few balls later.

With the Quokkas on 3 wickets for 6, things weren’t looking as bright as the weather, and The Attack strode out with all the pressure in the world on his broad and bulging shoulders. It didn’t seem to matter though, as he took his ‘Attack Manual’ with him, blasting his first ball for 4 and staying in that gear all the way through to a quick-fire 42.

He did have some luck on the way, with one lofted hand-grenade not bouncing, but flying over his head before landing on the stumps. Rightfully though, it was called a ‘no ball’ and allowed him to continue the carnage.

Up the other end, the Mantis was also getting stuck in, putting on 44 valuable runs, and they shared in a valuable 89-run stand before The Attack was finally bowled. The Mantis followed him back shortly after though, leaving the Quokkas at 96 for 5.

Following in The Terribles footsteps, PJ decided to emulate the Mantis and was also back in the pavilion soon after. Some late resistance from Dave ‘Express’ Barnett, The Egg and (surprisingly) The Knock added more credibility, leaving the Quokkas on 140 which was considered a winning score and a good effort from 10 batsmen.

After enjoying another fine selection of teas and cakes, The Quokkas were feeling ultra-confident running out into the field, so much so that they let The Rev opening the bowling. It soon paid off though, as he snared one opener, before The Express cleverly managed to trick the other opener into hitting the ball into the stumps off the back of his bat.

In an inspired piece of captaincy (Robin who?), The Egg quickly brought off The Rev and brought on The Attack for a brilliant brace of fast bowling that brought 3 quick wickets, while the lightning (or is it thunderous) work of PJ in the field produced a top-shelf run-out.

Tusmore were suddenly 6 down for 40-odd and The Quokkas were starting to think about the sweet taste of victory when a middle-order resistance of Tusmores own suddenly brought the game to life.

The Egg did all he can in mixing up the bowling, and while the runs were hard to come by - particularly off the obstinate Fatman - they did keep coming, until the Knock duped one of the batsmen into thinking they could hit him for ANOTHER 4 and they popped it up for PJ to take one of the more colourful catches of the year.

After working tirelessly for 7 overs, The Fatman finally got the other breakthrough, getting an edge through to the ultra-sharp Hairdresser behind the stumps. He may be too much of an Englishman to sledge, but Ive seen samurai swords with less sharpness.

With 3 batsmen left and 14 runs to play with, things were still *tricky* and The Egg was left to bring on The Quokkas traditional man-of-steel, The Mantis, for the breakthrough. He didn’t get a wicket, but he did manage to break the opponents bat with a particularly aggressive leg-spinner.

Having scared everyone just a little bit, The Mantis then gave the ball to The Express, who cleaned up the last 2 wickets, leaving the Quokkas victorious by a massive 6 runs.

The Votes:
5 - The Attack. What a performance. 9-4-13-3 and 42 runs.
4 - The Mantis. 44 runs and broke a bat.
3 - The Express. 3 wickets, 9 fingers. That’s amazing.
2 - Fatman. Held the middle order together, bowled 7 unchanged overs and took a great wicket. Also finished off the cakes.
1 - The Knock. 9 runs (he is away…) and a crucial wicket.

The Iain Edwards Bravery Award
A tough one this week, but I’m giving it to C. Winton from the other team, who not only turned out despite being 10 years old, but also took 3 wickets, had his bat broken by The Mantis and showed some great card tricks at the tea break.

Ode to the Quokkettes

To be sung to the tune of Guns and Roses’ ‘November Rain’ (just the guitar solo)

O Quokkette,
O Quokkette,
I sing your praise without regrette!
The cricket playing Quokkas are in your debt.
Your support is true,
You stick like glue,
Steadfastly to the team when they play like pooh.

O Quokkette,
Dear Quokkette,
You make us feel like jelly unset,
All runny,
Very fluid,
My soul, whenst you’re near, feels quite nuide.

In Paris,
the city of loves,
You were there when Rev donned the gloves.
You make me cry
Like a thousand lost doves.

But…..
Doves never get lost, because of some sort of animal instinct that not even scientists can satisfactorily explain.
Can you?
Baby?

O Quokkette,
My Quokkette,
We’ll make you proud,
Of that I’ll bet.
We will have many wins,
You’ll forget our many sins,
Like loving you enough, to children beget. (Have sex)

Quokkas hold nerve, swerve, verve

For those of you, dear readers, who have a long-term memory, you may recall that the last time the Quokkas travelled to the lush meadows of Greenford to play Salix CC, they came away with a ninth-wicket / last-over victory. Not wanting to be too predictable, they came close again in 2007, though with a couple of overs to spare.

Arriving at the ground to find a pitch with rather a lot of ‘life’ after the previous days downfall, The Eggs eyes lit up at the prospect of a turning pitch and had no hesitation in sending Salix in.

The move was a good one, with wickets tumbling regularly once the bowlers found their radar. This was also, arguably, the best bowling line-up fielded by The Quokkas, with The Attack & Fatman being relegated to first change after Quokka-great Smithers and the new left-arm slinger; Andy Seddon.

The Attack was obviously not happy about this and started the rot with disciplined rather than fierce bowling. This was celebrated with a little more fervour than usual by The Hairdresser, who then fell to The Quokkas ‘keeping curse by rolling his ankle.

The Attack was ably assisted by Slingy, Smithers, and Fatty, who all got in the wickets. Their early work wasnt helped by some sloppy fielding (7 drops for the day) and some enthusiastic umpiring (with 23 wides being recorded for the innings).

Salix didn’t give up though, and their 6th wicket put on a 40-run partnership with some dogged batting, defying the deft bowling changes and the newly introduced spin / medium pace attack of Loughie (who seems to improve by the minute), The Knock, The Egg, Michael Cunningham and The Professor who combined for 2 wickets for 30 runs off 10 overs.

Recalling The Mantis’ heroics from last year, The Quokkas looked at the target of 128 and wondered who else would get a score. The answer wasn’t quite what they were after when his stumps were sprayed for just 4 runs. The Hairdresser, still obviously settling into first drop, also did little to trouble the scorers, registering his first Duck and leaving the Quokkas on 2/12 after 5 overs.

Many of you may again be able to recall some classical Quokka middle-order collapses, but not on this day. Michael Cunningham strode to the wicket and kept walking down it as the bowler approached, plundering a huge six and some big fours before getting himself out with another attempt at clearing the field. “Hide his passport, don’t let him leave” was the whisper from the rooms as he returned to the boundary.

Next in was The Attack, who smashed two massive fours off his first two balls and went on to plunder a lightning-fast 28 before falling to the oddest delivery seen since The Egg ’special’ at Wantage in 2006.

Another small collapse set-in, with The Professor, The Egg and The Knock all falling despite solid resistance from Fatty and some more swashbuckling from Loughie. With ten runs needed off as many overs, The Quokkas were somewhat at ease as Smithers strode out to bat and started pushing singles and a nice four through point.

It wasn’t to last though, as the ease changed to confusion then great mirth before shock as he managed to fall-over some air between wickets, do a pirouette in the air, flail about on the ground and manage to get run-out.

This brought Slingy out, our number 11, who had predicted that he couldn’t bat but could certainly bowl. He had been right once already and we preyed it wouldn’t be twice. Good thing we have a man of God on our side, as Slingy and the Fatman managed to make up the required couple to draw close on another day of long shadows and Quokka history.

Well done all. Next, a fired-up Wantage at home. Stay tuned…

The votes:

5 - The Attack. 3 for 10 for Christs’ sake. Then 28 off about as many. Nessun dorma.
4 - Fatman. Couple of handy wickets and the rock in our batting innings.
3 - Andy ‘Slingy’ Seddon. 1st over went for 5, the next 6 yielded 6 runs and a wicket. Get some spikes.
2 - Michael Cunningham. Pietersen-inspired hair and batting. Good sledging too (drew our first complaint).
1 - The Professor. Opened the batting and saw off the openers. 1-0 off 1.4 with his deceptive straighteners.

Iain Edwards Bravery Award
This weeks winner is The Knock, who stopped a ball that came charging back at him off his bowling, causing severe bruising but not stopping him from taking 1 for 7 off 3.

Paris, City of Love. (Standard CC-1, Quokkas CC-Love)

Before this weeks match report gets under way, 2 apologies:

1) To the reader, as this report will be short due to a newly acquired injury that restricts typing
2) To Standard CC, for the match the Quokkas provided them with

Also included in this report is are 4 thank-yous:

1) to Michelle, the French gentleman who picked the Quokkas up off the street and drove them to the ground
2) to the Quokkas (and Quokettes) for making the trek to Paris
3) Geordie, the newest and youngest Quokka for helping us out on and off the pitch
4) Claude Schneider, our ‘host’ who gave us the locals

And so, in the spirit of the above, here is an abbreviated match report:

1) After an exercise in poor organisation and the intervention of the above-mentioned Michelle, we made it to the impressive grounds
2) We were sent in
3) We got pummelled
4) The Egg did well to mix it up, finding some encouraging middle-order efforts from PJ, The Mantis and The Hairdresser. Thug also came back to keep a good line and length
5) Some further inspired captaincy saw the Egg take the gloves off the Rev and give him the ball, resulting in a wicket
6) The quokkas then faced 300+ and started poorly, losing 3 quick wickets before the one-armed Attack came in to support the Mantis and steady the ship
7) The loss of the Attack saw another collapse, despite a stirling effort by PJ, and our eventual demise

Please feel free to expand on this report in the ‘comments’ section below - the trip to Paris deserves it!

The votes:

5 - The Mantis, top score with the bat and some mean leggies
4 - The Attack, devastating with the bat
3 - The Hairdresser, good with the gloves in the Revs stead and handy off-spinners
2 - PJ, impressive in his first game, holding up both middle-orders
1 - Thug P, kept it real in the field, with the ball and in the hood

The Iain Edwards Bravery Award:

This weeks Iain Edwards bravery award is split between The Attack and The Rev. The Attack bravely fielded and batted without full use of his right arm, putting most Quokkas to shame with the accuracy of his left arm. The Rev kept wicket for 10 overs with a broken finger and managed to play a couple of his beloved ‘forward defensive’ shots to boot.

Some daguerreotypes of the ill fated journey are available below.